Confessions of a boy growing up in ACMTC

[bravozulu]

"Fear is like the dark room where negatives are made", This is so true. I, Daniel aka Zechariah Edwards at 5 to 6 years old, was frequently locked into a pitch black cell called the “Rat Room”, which was located in the basement of our seemingly haunted old Victorian House, in the heart of Klamath Falls, Oregon. The only sound that could be heard was the eerie clawing of rats as they scurried about. Whether I was locked here because I had aggravated my superiors for just being a child, or the fact that I was the victim of evil threats that had always been a very real source of fear for my peers, in an attempt to instill fear in their hearts and minds to keep them in line. Either way, here I would be locked for hours even days. Beneath me was the ground, which was only gravel and rocks. Though the rocks were extremely sharp, after hours of uncontrollable crying, weakness would overcome me, there I would fall with no regard to pain, for my body had no strength to stand, and I had no will to live. It was there in that dark cell where anger and hate were first born inside me. I grew to despise my peers. “Brother” and “Sister” alike, both were victims of my rage. I learned early in life what it was like to be without a friend in the world. Thus fear, though my worst enemy, became my friend.

You see for the first six years of my life I did not have the loving care of my mother and father. They both had dedicated their lives to the cause of ACMTC. A militant Christian group that was lead by '' The Generals'', two very unorthodox-radical, professing Christians, who had been saved from the 60's hippie drug culture. The same radicalism they had for their hippie drug rings, they still had deeply ingrained in their minds. Only now their message was empowered by faith, an element that if believed in strongly enough many people are willing to die for. It was this very message that gave these leaders the ability to recruit my Father and Mother from the Church of the Nazarenes. Married in this commune, where many families had come together to form a community of like minded people who shared all things in common.
My mother and father were commissioned by the “Generals” to be missionaries. They ordered my Father to be castrated so he could no longer have children thus being entirely dedicated to the cause, with no children to worry about. Meanwhile I was left in the care of those in the community appointed solely to care for me and my peers.
Forgotten by my parents who had been completely brainwashed and solely dedicated to whatever it was the "Generals" desired, which eventually became nothing more then to make money to fund the cause. Which was now a vision of many such communities world wide, all under the dictatorship of the "Generals". Also everyone in the community was ordered to disown their families of blood, and adopt the ''family of God'' this caused much heat from enraged families who where told they could not visit their sons and daughters. Which eventually lead to everyone having to hide from the local authorities, who by now had a warrant for the arrest of the key leaders of this group. As well as a desire to take custody of me and my peers.

[bravozulu]

Thus as my father and mother toiled many states away earning the livelihood of not themselves, but the “Generals”. I was left to be shuffled from the attic to the basement in between being hid from the police and being made the public spectacle of my peers... Around the same time me and my 5 year old brother were sexually molested by females who were 13 years our elder, and by all standards strangers, for they had just joined the commune. Being subject to such molestation our minds were no longer those of innocent youth. We were now filled with thoughts of a very sexually nature and our actions were dictated by the same. This we paid for years later...as you will come to see as my life progresses.
In all I was subject to this for two years before my parents came to my rescue, for in the bottom of their heart they knew I needed them. They took me with them to New Mexico where they had been for a sometime remolding an old school house that would eventually become ACMTC's new Headquarters. I enjoyed the loving care of my mother and father for about a week, and then once again they had to go to work earning the livelihood of the commune by treading the streets of El Paso, Texas. I cried as I watched my mother leave, she would kiss me through the window one last time before she left for good. I saw her go like this for about a week before the widow was replaced by one that could not be seen through, this only made me cry more as the separation between me and my family became greater, for everyday they would come home and beat me, because they had got a bad report from my otherwise "legal guardian" General Deborah. Who at this time I will dub my evil stepmother, for its was her sole purpose to divide our family.
Yet for once in my life I was able to leave the horrors of the "rat room" behind. It was a nice change for once; tell I learned I would be neglected all day without a bite to eat. I was left to fend for myself in a cold room with nothing but black plastic tarp for walls. It was here that I had neither a friend nor anyone to talk to. I was not permitted to go outside or visit anyone in the kitchen. I can remember not being able to shower for weeks. The only way I could get anyone to notice me is if I did something that would get me in trouble. And that only gave everyone even more reason to inflect punishment. Only now it was starvation and neglect that caused me most torment. For the first time in my life I had thoughts of suicide.

[bravozulu]

A pallet was my bed until a snake was found underneath it by my mother, which I believe was purposely placed there by my heretofore motioned "guardian" in hopes that my life would be slipped from me, thus freeing my mother and father from the burden of me, allowing them to dedicate fully to raising funds for the "Generals". But as my life was spared I remained a cause of great concern for my parents. And my life grew progressively worse. At one point I was beat by the Generals’ daughter so severely with a board of nails, that three of the nails went through my head, and I acquired multiple bruises. I bled from a head wound for two days with no professional medical attention of any kind. About which they lied to my mother and father saying I tripped against the edge of a table that had a nail protruding from it. A story which they fabricated and was only able to prove by purposely placing the nail there after the incident occurred.
My life experienced other drastic, yet much welcome change when about a year later all the children of the families moved to the compound in New Mexico which was now the headquarters of the commune. Yet with this I resumed the role of once again being publicly ridiculed. The very first night they arrived I was dragged out of bed, they had completely forgotten who I was, so I had to be introduced. They were instructed to make fun of me. I remember being called such names as, Buck Tooth, Crack Attack, Monkey Ears and other names which made such a hurtful impact on me that I broke down and cried. They were also told I was an orphan that they got from Mexico. My life suddenly became completely miserable, I was neither allowed to play with them nor eat with them I was sat to eat with the dogs along with being forced to clean up after them. I was treated as their slave... Once again did I face the horrors of being locked away, only this time it was a dark boiler room. Again I was the example no one wanted to become.

[bravozulu]

It was here at the age of eight, I first learned to cry out to God. Oh I cried and cried. I promised God I would never lie, cheat, or steal as long as I was let out of that boiler room. It was here that the horrors of hell first became a reality to me. For there I would fall asleep and have nightmares that I was burning in the boiler. I would awake screaming. My prayer would be "Oh God of Daniel who saved him and his friends from the fire furnace...Save Me". I was eight years old and I had such child like faith in God, yet it seemed as if he was no where to be found. For I was made a complete vagabond in the eyes of everyone even my own mother and father. At one point my mother packed my bag and threw me out to the streets and told me I was to become a bum. That night I slept where I was thrown I never could leave,thus I left my mother with no choice but to take me back the next morning.
Finally at 9 years of age I and my brother were sent away with my adopted uncle Phillip, to develop a farm the “Generals” had bought deep in the heart of New Mexico wilderness. Commonly known by many as Fence Lake, dubbed by the community “Cedars of the Sun”, or simply “Cedars” We stayed there for about a year. It was here where I learned all the skills of an apprentice. I learned the craftsmanship of carpentry, and the art of gardening, as well as printing. For millions of publications were published and distributed by this commune each year. It was here were for the first time in my life I was treated as an equal to my peers. But my life was yet to change for the worst.
About a year later my mother got exiled for reasons she has not yet explained to me. I was forced to leave with her. We were sent by Grey Hound bus to Omaha, Nebraska and were left to fend for ourselves. There we lived in a homeless shelter. And for the first time in my life I had to attend formal education at a public school, up until now my education had been completely neglected. Despite being made fun at school for my inability to cope with the social elements of a class of thirty students who were otherwise complete strangers, I was also almost academically retarded, and everyday of school I was sick from food poisoning from the Homeless Shelter food, which I was not accustomed to. For up until then I had never had a bite of meat, as everything I was fed was vegetarian. Yet despite everything I went on to become the Star Student by the end of the school year. It was not long before summer was over and I had to start school again, this time I attended a Seventh Day Advents school with students twice my age. It was here I learned the true definition of bully. I was thrown around like a rag doll. But it served to toughen me and I became a bully myself.
I was sent on the trip of my life. I was flown to the ACMTC Headquarters. A plane trip alone at age 11 was an adventure, yet outright crazy on the behalf of my parents. I arrived at the airport to be greeted by my father who seemed to be a complete stranger, yet there he sat. He hugged me and cried. I had never been hugged so much in my entire life. Yet somehow the father I wanted to love was a complete stranger. Just as I thought I could open my heart to love him, I saw something that distanced me from him. He hugged a woman I had never met and would lay with her at every hour prayer session. And after prayer was over he would walk her home and I don't know what would become of him. But one thing I knew for sure, my father did not love my mother. For he refused to even talk about her. But before I was able to come to any conclusions, I was sent back to “Cedars”, to join my peers.

[bravozulu]

I was no longer treated as an equal; every menial task was assigned to me. In the winter I was made to Chop wood for days, and shovel snow, as well as scrub a 1000 square foot flour on my hands and knees every day. Spring and summer would come around and I was tasked to pull every weed in the garden and orchard and I still had the task of scrubbing the floors. It was also my duty to look after a dog farm of about fifty dogs, every day I had to feed them and rake the poop out of their pen, which at 11 years old would take me hours. This was my day to day life for about a year. Yet every weekend I was given the liberty to play with my peers in a forest of about a square mile. Here we would build all kinds of huts and tree houses to fill our time. It was also here that our heretofore mentioned no longer innocent minds got the worst of us. We grew accustomed to seeing each other naked and grew quite fond of playing with each other. Yet without any knowledge of the sexual aspect of life, we knew nothing of what our no longer very private parts were intended for, yet our curiosity would find us in these situations again and again, tell we were obsessed with nothing more. But it wasn't long before this all came to an end when our female counterparts were taken back to ACMTC’s headquarters, where they were to be educated by my mother, who had returned from exile; after being sent to Louisiana with out me or my father. She returned more brainwashed and more apt to serve the “Generals” in whatever manner they demanded.
It was here when our female counterparts were educated in all aspects of sex. As well as the Christian doctrine on “sex before marriage”. It was not long before they returned to continue their education in “Cedars”. For my mother had gotten in a serious car accident. Yet denying all medical treatment, she was sent to “Cedars” to recuperate. For it was the firm belief of everyone in the community that doctors were witches only out to acquire wealth. My brother and I were to be taught by my mother as well. This began the first of my education at “ACMTC”. It was here where I truly learned the anger my mother possessed from the years of brainwashing she had underwent. I was no longer allowed to call her “mom” but “Miss Julie” I was beaten every time I did not. My peers and I were ordered by my mother to start “speaking in tongues” or receive the “Holy Ghost”. They adapted quickly to thier new environment of religiosity. As for myself I refused to pretend any such kind of religious experience. I was punished accordingly. She tied a belt around my wrists and hung me by my arms to a tree, she proceeded to beat me with a four foot paddle crafted by hand. I visited that tree quite frequently with my mother, as well as my mom eating my portion of pie that otherwise would have been mine if only I did as I was instructed. This went on every day for about a week, until she was reprimand by the leaders for her actions in regards to us. At which point I took the blame for not telling my mother she would get in trouble for forcing us to pretend our religious experience.

[bravozulu]

After all the abuses I had received from my mother. I was very grateful when she went back to the ACMTC headquarters to work out some issues she had with my father. One of my female counterparts went with her to do nothing more then to visit her mother whom she had not seen in about a year. It was there where curiosity and her conscience got the best of her. She proceeded to tell her mother such things like how we would play around naked with each other. She was made to write a page confession of all things we did. And once again it was I who took the fall. Though we all were guilty I was blamed for all we had done. Once again my anger took control of me and I would not let myself be the only one to be accused. I was made to write a fifty page confession. I was beat when I could not complete all fifty pages thus I was forced to write many lies. As punishment I was locked up in the dog's pen and treated like an animal. I also watched as Rachel who was the oldest of us got her face completely bashed. My brother was threatened to have his penis cut off, if he would not confess many lies. And so it was for days. After this all was over, it was my fathers turn to be sent into exile. I was to be sent with him but the “Generals” did not desire to leave me in the custody of my father. And so I was left to fend for myself without my father or mother.

[bravozulu]

A year later my mother and father returned. By now everyone had move to "Cedars" which was dubbed "Shim Ra Na" Holy Tribal Nation, in an attempt to recruit the Native Americans in that region. Everything returned to life as normal. My parents once again toiled in the city streets some 250 miles away, selling backed goods and other hand crafted items in an attempt to earn the likelihood of the commune. It caused me great pain as I watched my parents wake early at 1:00 in the morning and rise for the hour long prayer vigil which was a tradition held by the commune. Afterward they would leave early, for it was about a 3 hour drive, often even six depending on which city they were told to go to. They would not return tell nearly midnight. It was during these times that I had no one to turn to. I would try to talk to my mother on Sunday which was the only day she was ever home. Yet she refused to have any regard for me. I now realize it was because she was so complete exhausted. But at the time I felt my mothers complete neglect of me was because she had no love for me. Thus with nothing to live for I ran away from home. I went to the local authorities and reported that I was an abused child. I was admitted into a Mennonite shelter for children. There I stayed for about three months. My parents finally came for me. After many promises that we would not return to the abusive community I had ran away from, I was convinced to go with them, and we moved to Colorado. I attended public school once again for the second time in my life. I learned quickly and adapted to my new environment. Yet before I had the ability to live a normal life. I was pulled out of school my mother proceed to home school me. We lived in the basement of an Old Presbyterian Church on the Towac Ute reservation . There I spent much time alone for my mother and father had to work to put food on the table. My mother had an idea to start a Christian home school for the children of this reservation. And so she established "The Academy of the Tribes" It was there my education excelled, I was an honor student for two years in a row. For once in my life everything was fun and exiting. Yet I was still alienated from my family. At one point my mother preached in front of her class full of students. And told them how she had a vision in which she saw me burning in Hell. It was there I remember flash-backs of that boiler room, and I cried. Even today I feel hell bound from the years of condemnation I have received. May God save my wretched soul!
About two years later my parents returned to ACMTC, I had to tag along; though very much against my will. I resumed my education again with my peers whom I had grown up with. Yet before I was fully allowed to associate with them I was made to go through an Exorcism, a very cultish practise, preformed by the "Generals" of "casting out demons". Under their spell I lost complete control of my body. And lost all memory of everything that took place that day. The very next day I was baptised and also received a prophecy from General Deborah, that I was a to become great man of God. Now I was fully consider a member for I had completely underwent their process of brainwashing. And I truly was for I experienced what it was like to be under their complete control.

[bravozulu]

Yet it wasn't long before I rebelled again, for a girl who was attending our home school had a crush on me, yet not allowed to date we had no choice but to be secretive. Our little crush for each other quickly developed into much more. Tell we completely had no regard for rules. In an effort to nip my rebel in the bud, I was made the laughing stock of all. With no desire to become a public spectacle I was forced to quickly end my little romance. At which point I underwent much indoctrination. But with no desire to follow such stringent standards, I again rebelled. Striped of all membership status I was excommunicated. Condemned to hell, I was sent with my parents to trod the streets of El Paso, Texas. For I was still to young as per say to be legally "sent out of the house". I was instructed that if I wanted to come back, I had to earn my keep by making money to contribute to the cause. Thus with my mother and father I experienced what their life had been like. And I must say it was misrable. It was here for the first time I opened my heart to love them for I truly experienced what they had lived under. But once again my love for them was short lived. For I was taken back to the community, for the "Generals" hoped I was once again completely brainwashed and willing to do whatever they demanded. And indeed I was.
It wasn't long before my parents completely refused to be under the control of the Generals any longer. They had dedicated their entire life to this community yet time and again they had been let down. With nothing to show for all their toil and completely at their wits end, they packed everything they had and left. They requested I come with them. Yet being completely under the control of the "Generals" I refused. For it was as if they were now inside my head controlling my every action. That coupled with the desire to please them and the fear of disobeying God influenced me to stay. So there I remained regretting my life more and more each day.

[bravozulu]

It was a great relief when my parents were allowed to return. And so they did. But they quickly got caught up in the politics, for it was around that time that an unpaid fourteen year old judgement of 2.5 million dollars the CourtS of California had awarded Maura Schmierer returned to haunt them. My father was called upon to defended them in the court and so he did. As my Mother and Father were busy fighting a legal battle my own life was turning to shreds. I had no will to live. Hours of my days would be spent in the forest crying out to God, I also devoted many sleepless nights to the Jesus would command us to be as perfect as God in Heaven.
1 John 3:4-9 to this day haunts me the most, for it says this:
4 Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law.
5 And ye know that he was manifested to take away our sins; and in himstudy of his word. As I read the bible such scriptures such as Matthew 5:45 impacted me in a almost haunting way. I constantly asked myself why is no sin.
6 Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him.
7 Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous.
8 He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.
9 Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God

(Message edited by bravozulu on May 09, 2006)

[bravozulu]

As I reflected on scriptures such as these, I saw how sinfull I was as well as how imperfect the community was, considering the abuses alone that I had undergone. I sought to personally confront the Generals, Yet my parents with complete disregard for me and once again under the mind control of the Generals refused to allow me, in attempt to avoid confrontation. Yet I was not one to be easily stopped. And so it was, I found myself face to face with my tormentors. I reasoned and argued with them for hours to no avail. Completely aggravated and enraged the Generals instructed my parents to send me to the Army. Together we went to the Army recruiter. Yet my mother and father knew the dangers I would face in the Army. With the Navy as our next best option we went to the Navy Recruiter. And there at the age seventeen I joined the Navy. Yet with one more year of school to complete the Delayed Entry Program was of great help. Graduation diploma in hand, I for the first time in my life felt the pride of accomplishment, for through all the hindrances in my life and people saying I would amount to nothing I had seceded making my mother and father very proud of me. Here I am today on my first deployment.
There has been many things going on in my life all at once...so many crossroads...and choices to make. I've had a few visits to that little dark room were negatives are made. It could be one of many things that led me down the hall to that room: job insecurity (recent events have spiraled my anxiety into an uncontrollable spin), restlessness with my position in life, lack of exercise these past two weeks, a mistake which I have taken full responsibility for but the outcome has not been good at all....whatever it is, I have been being led into that room.

[bravozulu]

I know that I'm just in a funk, and things will work themselves out: I have that optimism: but recently it's been more of an effort to keep that up. Ah, well: no doubt my time with Geni when deployments over will remedy that.

I am so glad the Deployments is almost over.

Time to focus on something funny: I've had a lack of humor in my life http://www.factnet.org/discus/clipart/happy.gif

Question of the Day:
Do you believe in predestination? What are your thoughts on free-will?

My Answer:
I don't believe in predestination and fully embrace the free-will theory. BUT, I do believe that people are in certain situations for a reason: and that reason is to learn lessons and grow. So many people miss the opportunity to learn about themselves whilst in a particular situation...I don't necessarily believe that our lives are mapped out for us and we are in those places of life because we were MEANT to be...that's called fate. I don't have a strong leaning towards that idea at all. I believe in Karma: that the sum of all that an individual has done is in direct correlation with cause and effect: we are responsible for our own lives and thus are responsible for our actions and the reactions to them. And if we don't learn from unpleasant reactions/effects to our choices, then somewhere, down the line, we will experience a similar situation in which we are then supposed to learn from...else we get into a never ending cycle of repeating similar scenarios until we change our actions/reactions to accommodate a more peaceful/resolute outcome. But, all that being said, we are in charge of our actions, and the steps we take in life are of our own free will; which is all-encompassing -- action-reaction/cause-effect.

You???

QUESTIONS? Comments! EMAIL ME A zeeriver@email.com