Literary Gems from the CCG Archives

[steveb]

This morning I was looking through some of my old computer files and came across some old postings from 1999 that I made on the CCG board. They consisted of (except for the titles) the exact words of Chapel bulletin announcements reformatted, and with some punctuation added, to look like poetry. As well as being very revealing little windows into the Chapel world of that time, these were a lot of fun for me. I hope they are for our readers as well...

Our Kind of Dancing
(Another reminder to ladies about
buying shoes for dancing before the Lord)

You should not expect
To return shoes
Because of improper fit
Once you have
Tried them on
In the store and then:<blockquote>Worn them a time or two.</blockquote>Be sure to
Let the sales clerk know
What kind of dancing
You will be doing,
So he can find:<blockquote>The proper fit for you.</blockquote>Do not let him think
You need them for ballet,
Because shoes for ballet
Require a tighter fit
Than we need for:<blockquote>Our kind of dancing.</blockquote>(Church bulletin, April 14, 1985)

[steveb]

<center>Mustaches Are Not Traditional at Our Church
(A Message to the Men)

The church discourages men
In our church from growing a mustache.
Here are some reasons for this stand:

1.
A Christian man with a mustache
Is often aligning himself with a worldly image.
Many Hollywood actors have had a mustache "trademark"

(e.g, Clark Gable and Burt Reynolds).
We want to avoid a all association
With the carnality of this world.

2.
Mustaches are not traditional
At our church. Because we strongly discourage
Men from wearing mustaches,

Those who do so run the risk of
Having people wonder about their motive
And spirituality.

It is unavoidable for people to begin
Questioning
When a man starts growing a mustache.

3.
Mustaches do not fit the conservative image,
Even in the world. Conservative progessionals, such as
Lawyers and corporate executives, do not wear mustaches

Because mustaches project a poor
Public image - all the more so with conservative
Ministers and ministerial students.

High standards of appearance are not
Legalistic. We don't want to become known as
A church with a worldly image.

(Church bulletin, October 6, 1985)</center>

[steveb]

A Note From Your Loving Shepherd
(It Behooves Us to be Careful)

Because I am
jealous for truth,
I am careful
whom I allow
to teach you
from our pulpit.
However, if you
indiscriminately purchase religious
tapes, books, and
magazines, you negate
this policy of
safety. And, if
you pass along
or recommend unsound
literature to others,
you unknowingly become
a purveyor of
false doctrine,
hence an underminer
of your own
pastor. And you
are weakening the
unity of the
faith among us.

Many Christians are
not skilled enough
to discern subtle
error or error
which is a
complex compounding of
half truths.
Such individuals are
often overconfident, saying,

"I know this and this is wrong but the rest is good"

but herein
lies the problem.
They see and
sidestep those errors
which are on
the surface, but
they fall for
the errors which
they cannot yet
discern themselves. To
others more experienced,
these too, would
be "obvious errors."

Most people who
are spending money
to read the
wide range of
doctrinal opinion floating
about in the
marketplace would do
far better to
charge out free
tapes from our
twelve-year collection
of sermons and
studies. They cover
an exceedingly wide
range of topics.
I am by
no means trying
to limit theological
research; but I
believe that since
the devil has
leavened truth with
falsehood, it behooves
us to be
careful. Please do
not work against
me as I
work for carefulness
and truth. I
am trying to
get rid of
false doctrine among
us, not multiply it!

That's my calling.

--Your Loving Shepherd

(Church bulletin, July 10, 1983)

[steveb]

A slight change of pace...

Here is a remarkable document, in light of subsequent events and teaching at the Chapel. In the October 23, 1983, bulletin, the following admonition is found:<blockquote>ENCLOSED REPRINT FROM VIRTUE MAGAZINE: This article points out the need for guidelines for safe conduct. In order to help prevent a very ancient and prevalent temptation from bearing its bitter fruit, the pastor is reiterating the following policies:
1 . Do not seek counsel from members of the opposite sex about your spiritual or emotional problems. Certain other matters (e.g., financial and business decisions [ladies] or housekeeping advice [single male parents]) may necessitate getting advice from a counselor of the opposite sex. But in general, prayer, counsel, spiritual consolation, and friendship should be sought from those of the same sex.
2. Counselors: Encourage and steer those whom you counsel to operate within the above guidelines. Any counselor who feels that an exception to these guidelines is in order must obtain the pastor's prior approval. The pastor and elders will also follow these guidelines, although it may be necessary for them to give counsel to ladies from time to time on matters involving church policy or decisions with potential impact on the church.</blockquote>The accompanying insert is titled One Woman's Response to "The Unmentionable Temptation" and starts out as follows:<blockquote>I just finished reading "The Unmentionable Temptation" in the March/April 1983 issue of Virtue. As a Christian wife and mother who is now several years on the other side of an affair, there are some things I must say.

I would warn others that if they first yield to mental adultery, it could very easily take them the whole route. If there's time to be alone with the other man, which is often the case when such thoughts persist, the two of you will eventually probably start discussing your feelings with each other, especially if he is a brother in the Lord. You say that you must conquer this thing together with prayer; (what a trick of the devil that is). You will then feel such a tenderness toward each other that you will need to express your affection with some warm embraces and "holy kisses." It is a very short road from there to the point where you succumb to more and more sensual temptations and your are no longer trying to resist.</blockquote>[Continued in the next posting...]

[steveb]

[...continued from the above posting]

At another point in the article above, this woman observes,<blockquote>If you are feeling very drawn to another man, don't discuss it with him. It will immediately create a bond which should not be there. Tell a very mature, but understanding Christian friend, and lick it right then and there.

Don't have another Christian man as one of your closest confidants, especially if you are in a situation where you two need to spend time alone. Spiritual closeness creates a bond that can subtly lead to physical temptation.</blockquote>Commentary on these excerpts from the Chapel's teaching of 1983 is hardly necessary. Here we have concrete evidence of how much light had been lost by the end.

On the other hand, we may not have had that much light in 1983 to begin with. Here we go -- back to our regular kind of stuff.

Behind the Center Aisle

We want the section of pews
Near the front of the sanctuary
To be filled with members
Of our church who are

Dressed nicely and entering into the move of God

With their whole hearts.
It is a hindrance to people
Ministering under the anointing
To have those who are

Out of harmony seated in plain view.

Accordingly, we ask that
When you bring visitors
Who cannot enter in,
You make sure that

They sit in pews behind the center aisle.

(Church bulletin, October 23. 1983)

[onesimus]

mustaches are unspiritual...
but toupees and cosmetic surgeries aren't?

[steveb]

Must be. I can't find a single thing in the Sunday bulletins about toupees or cosmetic surgery, but as you see, they speak very cleary about mustaches.

[steveb]

I am not making this up! These exact words (excepting the title) appeared in the church bulletin of Community Chapel and Bible Training Center on October 24, 1982. All I've done is change the format:


<center>The Pastor Will Attempt to Help Male Members

For males only:

The pastor will attempt to help
Resolve the disputes, questions, allegations, and problems
Concerning masturbation by men.

He will present a lecture
In the Chapel (East Campus) for males only at seven p.m.
On Monday, November eighth.

He will answer oral and written questions
Afterward. The lecture will be taped for check-out
By male members of our church.</center>

[calv]

It ain't no fiction
the dude with the addiction
settin em straight
how to masturbate.....

Got a few questions
can I chech out that tape
the message of the moment
did it get saved

all of those tapes
explain the bible
taught by the master
theres no better teacher

so sure it's the truth
what he did wrong
had no effect
and the damage doesn't linger

music ministwee
pwees take the platformm
group thirteen
come dance for me

your pastor cares
please be on time
don't miss a moment
you could get decived

[onesimus]

Calvin is funny.
That poem was rich
Makes a cloudy day sunny
And scratches my itch

I laughed till I cried
Could've stopped
Had I tried
But might have popped
Or worse - died

We become delirious
When our own thought
We take more serious
Than we ought

Consider just briefly
The sad possiblity
That views held most chiefly
Lacked plausibility

[onesimus]

The Pastor Will Attempt to Help Male Members

For males only:

The pastor will share highlights

of his recent trip

to Las Vegas

[calv]

A little too obvious

Posted by calvin on 4/9/2006, 8:42 pm, in reply to " My comments about Steve Born"
71.113.111.13

Renato.... must be Steve!
Who else could it be?
What if it's not
would that make you look foolish?
What if it is... would that make you look foolish?
Either way it brings out the true colors.

were not in the chapel anymore
games people play
rules change everyday

take a look at yourself
what do you see
are you playin the game
makin up the rules

how do you know what you don't
learnin the hard way
things ain't all that they seem
or maybe they are!

[nellie]

Nice try, guys, but these are not authentic quotations from the quoted bulletins as reputed by the so-called Onesimus and his backup Calvin because the bulletins themselves are not quoted but only pretended. Of course I expected that you would try to quote them as you in fact did in a failed attempt to be quoters but you proved yourselves wrong the minute I started to read them. That is because I saw you were only imitating "steveb," who has already proved himself wrong even if the bulletins he thinks he is "quoting" are real because he has admitted he "reformatted" them here:

http://www.factnet.org/discus/messages/3/19917.html?1144630287

So please do not attribute to me the motivation of being fooled by these transparent attempts at quoting. I was recognized as quite a scholar even before graduating from Bible college so it should be obvious that your falsely quoted attempts at fooling me are not at all what you planned.

-Nellie

[calv]

http://www.factnet.org/discus/clipart/uhoh.gif

[calv]

( i think it's helen) shhhh! she's on to us!

[fjf]

I just dropped in to say smile at somebody today! It will moke them happy and they will know God lives them. Try it sometime and you will see that doctrine does not mater.

Gotta go now and fix my lawnmover. I love mowing when its dork! Bye!

[calv]

Wait a second... fjf and nellie have the same ip....
whats goin on?

some donfoolry...
24.17.86.69.... hmmm
aren't those the LOST numbers?

It sounds just like.......
ooh gotta push the buttons.... times almost up

too much beer and drugs.

[onesimus]

<font color="ff0000">"I love mowing when its dork!"</font>

What do you have against dorks?

Dorks are people too, and lawnmowers hurt!

[onesimus]

Whoa Nellie! Nothing gets by you.

<font color="ff0000">"I was recognized as quite a scholar even before graduating from Bible college so it should be obvious that your falsely quoted attempts at fooling me are not at all what you planned."</font>

The fact that you uncovered Steve B's reformatting scheme convinces me that my pitiful attempt at subterfuge is never going to leave the ground!

Calvin, I think you're right - she's on to us. We're gonna have to revise our secret codes.

(Message edited by onesimus on April 10, 2006)

[calv]

One

I don't know what to do!
I think if we all just stick our heads in the sand the storm will pass over! Cover our ears and eyes and go na na na na na na na.... I sure that will resolve everything!

Just give up and go away in total defeat.... how crazy to think anything could possibly be wrong, It's all in my head!

[steveb]

Here's an interesting one.

February 28, 1988, was the Sunday that Don returned to face the congregation after the Friday night service at which Lanny had revealed that Don had been sleeping with at least three "connections." That Sunday was the last real service of Community Chapel as a united congregation. Among a few other items in that Sunday morning bulletin, this item appeared:<blockquote>PLAN NOW TO ATTEND a four-part film series - Inside Out - by Dr. Larry Crabb, Christian author, psychologist, and speaker. Set aside these Saturday evenings – March 26 and April 9. Details will appear in next week's bulletin. Film 1: "Don’t Look Inside Me - I’m Not Sure I Like What’s There." Film 2: "I Don’t Want to Admit It - But I Know Something’s Wrong." Film 3: "Even When I Get What I Want - It’s Not What I Want." Film 4: "How Can I Make It - If I Face All That’s Going On Inside?"</blockquote>Strange how God was saying more pertinent things through the bulletins than He was in the services!

[onesimus]

I remember Don's attitude toward the Crabb material during that time, he had a sort of ambivelant tolerance toward it - until he began to realize that people who started looking honestly into their own lives were more apt to look honestly at him. After the split I went to a service at the west campus and heard Don calling Crabb's books "crabgrass."

[steveb]

Two short pieces concerning our former pastor, both of which are very ironic in hindsight...

[The name of the church secretary has been changed to a fictional name in the following work.]

Send in Your Name Right Away

Pastor's friends
And spiritual unions:
If you would like to be
On call for dinner
Or other activities
in the evening,

Please send in your name to
Betty Manning right away
Stating that if the Pastor goes
Out for an evening, you and your
Connection or spouse would be
Available to accompany him.

(Church bulletin, December 20, 1987)


An Excerpt from a Lengthy Excursus on Clothing and Hair

...One day,
As we continue to see new radical styles
come in

and as
God begins to move uniquely in our church
and we

begin to
be respected for the pure move of God,
we are

going to
see the wisdom of the pastor's stand
against

the
worldly standards that have infiltrated
most other churches.

(Church bulletin, November 22, 1987)

[davidmarkbecker]

So "Pastor's friends and spiritual unions: If you would like to be on call for dinner or other activities in the evening, please send in your name to [name removed] right away stating that if the Pastor goes out for an evening, you and your connection or spouse would be available to accompany him" actually was something that was in the CCBTC church bulletin on December 20, 1987?

[steveb]

David - yes, besides for my whimsical re-formatting of these things, and some of the titles, they are taken verbatim from old Chapel bulletins that I had kept.

[steveb]

(This is one of my personal favorites, both in the original content - these lights were quite famous at Community Chapel - and in the fun I had reformatting it...)

<center>We Use Special Signal Lights

<font color="119911">In
O</font><font color="ff0000">rd</font><font color="119911">er</font>
<font color="ff0000">To</font> <font color="119911">minimize
The interr</font><font color="ff0000">upt</font><font color="119911">ions
Of</font> <font color="ff0000">the</font> <font color="119911">service when
The pastor desires to</font> <font color="ff0000">con</font><font color="119911">vey
Directi</font><font color="ff0000">on</font><font color="119911">s to minist</font><font color="ff0000">er</font><font color="119911">s, speakers,
And musicians seated in the congregation,</font>

We use special signal lights,

Installed behind glass panels in front of the pulpit.
The only signal that concerns those new to our
Assembly within the last year or so is the
Steady red light.

This means:

Please do not come to the minister's bench;
We only have time for those who are currently waiting
On the bench.

These signals do not mean that we mechanically manipulate our church services.

In
Fact,
They mean
Just the opposite:

We
Want
As many
As possible to
Be active in body ministry,
So the pastor needs a means to communicate
Quickly and efficiently with those who desire to minister
Without interrupting the worship getting up and giving
Verbal instructions, calling people forward to
Minister, or initiating a change in the
Service. Because we do not have
A program or any ministry
Planned ahead of time,
As in most
Churches;
This
System
Has worked well
In our large open-ministry
Service as a means of eliminating
Gaps and helping direct the service without
Interrupting the worship of the Lord.

(Church bulletin, June 14, 1981)</center>