Support Personal Reflections And Life After GGWO

[Jeannie (152.163.101.12)]

A friend sent this excerpted email yesterday. I asked if I could some share of it here. It is transparent and from her heart. It is a very honest example of the struggles many of us are encountering after leaving GGWO. There is so much to deal with; from within ourselves and also the anguish of how it effects our relationships with loved ones that still remain. I hope it will lend support to those who read this board and feel alone in their struggles of exiting.


"It is very, very true that at GG we were really conditioned to think of being "on" or "off." Either we were in the will of God or we weren't. When I came into GG I was so totally convinced that it was the leading of God, but you are right about there have been many red flags along the way. I began to make a list of them today, thinking it might help me in some way. The red flags began way, way, back....and it was surprising the things I was remembering. It seems, though, that someone always had a way of explaining them away, and I was always ready to accept any explanation because I wanted so much to be there.

I am realizing that a lot of it was about ME, not about God. This is a startling and shocking revelation and bringing my understanding to a whole new level (Just the beginning,though) I just REALLY need to understand what it was about ME that made me stay in spite of the warnings from the Holy Spirit. Well, for starters, I felt quite spiritual, really as though I was receiving revelations of grace and the finished work that most Christians did not have. I bought right into that spiritual elitism that is so subtle but prevalent there. I liked all the attention I received and all the so called love of the Body. I was coming out of a lot of crap and not saved that long, and in the ministry I found a place to go where I would be surrounded by loving attention (and we all got a lot that when we first come in) ... there were services and raps and classes and services and raps and classes and services and raps and blitzes and outreach and raps and on and on and on.....suddenly, this lonely person was not lonely anymore. Then there is this pastor (who is adored, and I have bought in to THAT, too, that he is anointed, God's man) who is giving me all kinds of attention, sending his bodyguards to get me after every service to sit at his table at raps, always pulling me out of the crowd, etc. Yes, I liked the attention. You know, I have never considered this in quite this way....God was sending the red flags and I was ignoring them because I was having certain needs met and I wanted to be there. This takes the blame off God and puts it onto me. I am the one I need to forgive; God is not at fault here. Yes, I did have the desire to know Him and to serve Him, and that is another thing that drew me to the ministry. There was so much to do and I so easily got caught up in the DO mentality. Even though GG preached grace and resting in the finished work, there really was no rest, was there? I am still trying to figure that one out.....

So, I am thinking as I am writing here... We can take our own steps, with God looking upon our hearts as we take them. Maybe He just doesn't give a darn what church I am in right at this moment. Maybe, just maybe, He is more concerned with healing and restoring and reconciling my miserable wretched soul to Himself. Maybe we need to be "outside the camp" to meet the real Jesus. I don't think I ever really knew Him.

I am in anguish watching my loved ones still in the ministry and ignoring all the warnings - was Jesus agonizing over me for all these years, watching me continue there and ignoring all of HIS warnings? I will be there for my family as they choose their steps, whether right or wrong..... in the same way, was Jesus with me as I chose my steps, even though they were the wrong ones? I cannot force the truth upon my loved ones, or make them listen.. in the same way, did Jesus choose not to force the truth upon me? I probably wouldn't have listened at that point, anyway. I don't know.

Well...
There is so much to think about. I do know one thing - I will not go to a church LOOKING FOR anything ever again, even Jesus Christ. I must find Him FIRST, outside the camp. Well, it's good to have at least one thing settled in my heart. Thanks for reading my introspections."

[Nancy Curra (70.16.6.72)]

As I read the above email it was as if I had written it myself. I too realize it is me and the struggle is with the red flags I saw and the forgiveness I need to receive for me.

I too was drawn by all the above. And I wanted to be the perfect Christian the one that did all the will of God. Whenever failure would come the guilt would overwhelm me, that is when I recognize failure.

I thought I was spiritual and also getting special revelations, now I realize it was simply knowledge and twisted knowledge at that.

The past year since I have been out of GG God put me in a nursing home and for the first time since my salvation I am understanding what it is to have a relationship with the Living Christ.

I was talking with some friends about this and what was concluded is that God allows us to make our own decisions but His ultimate desire is that we know Him.

I don't regret the years I spent in GG now for this reason. I can now recognize my need for Him and I won't make a move until He speaks.

I understand what David means when he said Restore to me the joy of my salvation. God is gently bringing me there. I would have it instantaneous, but it is not too happen.

It has been a year and I have cried a lot of tears. I felt I lost so many years, but now I will see the power of the real Christ as these years are restored, as I get to know Him.

When I first was saved I couldn't get enough of the Bible. The years I spent in GG I started to become fearful of the Bible because I would read things that didn't line up with what I heard.

I was certain I was being deceived by what I read and that I was privately interpreting so gradually I shied away.

Now the Word is alive to me, I have no more fear. This is just my own experience. I know each of us have different ones.

I take a lot of responsibility for my decisions but I believe that God would have me cast all this upon Him.

Pray for me. There are days of despair and days of joy, of discouragement and encouragement. I am studying Romans 7 & 8 now until I can truly believe in my heart there is no condemnation.

I am but a little child just getting to know her Christ.

God bless you all.

[Anonymous (68.82.183.197)]

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[MuskyRose (152.163.101.12)]

Jeannie, What your friend wrote is a classic example of mind control. There was a reason he/she did not see the red flags. When ever manipulation tactics are used one is conditioned to not see them. There is a smoke screen. Hence the love bombing, the sense of belonging, the elitism, the love of the body, even the attention from carl himself.

This organization gave us, through false doctrines, out right lies, and empty promises, what all human beings who are searching for God's will desire; a sense of purpose, stature in the kingdom, absolutes about everything, and false Grace. He gave us a magic wand God.

We all must take responsibility in our part that is true, however, there must also be an understanding of where the major culpability lies. That is with the leaders and the orginazation itself. The major player being carl himself.

Look at it this way, When it comes down to it spiritually it will be carl who will have to answer for all of this horrendous pain that he has caused.

Your friend's responsibility is to acknowledge that pain, recognize where it stemmed from, to understand what happened and to forgive him/herself. From there they can begin the healing process and whatever that entails for them.

It is important not place the lions share of the blame at ones own feet. If you do that you just wont heal. You suffer unnecessarily. Realize that tbs/ggwo is culpable and is the major player here. They are the ones who employed the mind control tactics causing you not to see the red flags.

[Bob Brinton (70.17.128.228)]

Jeannie, Reading your post above grieves me. I am particularly geared toward women; and the idea that anyone would deliberately decieve and take advantage of women from an authoritative position makes me boil within. How can anyone dare? God will right these wrongs. He will give you the truth to walk in. The flags may appear red in retrospect, but they were not so easy to discern then. The Lord looks for your obedience in what He gives you to be now.

[Anonymous (151.203.157.69)]

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[forgiveme4tellingthetruth (forgiveme4tellingthetruth)]

The thing that frightens me at GG is the racial tention. The African American pastors don't preach but once a year and that is in Feb(Black History Month),or occasionally for an Introduction,or offering.
There is no Gospel music there.
No one is really descipling the African Americans.On 2 Occasions CHSpushed me out of the way to get to a white person(no disrespect),but it hurts to pushed by someone you look up to so much.
Pastor Schaller once said "we Love The Black People here",but he passed me by all the time to get to a foreign Student.I once looked up to him too.After all these years i don't know who to trust except Jesus. The Bible Says Christ is all and in all.