Ushers

[orangetwopay (orangetwopay)]

You might ask what an Usher is. Well, an Usher’s job has many facets most of which fit into the general category of “cattle rustler.” This job entails getting wandering people into their seats before the church service starts. While it may seem that an Usher would have to be someone with a lot of tact, let me disabuse you of that notion; an Usher can be just about anyone. Some of them are asked by the pastor to give it a shot, but usually they are just someone who wants to “be a part.”

A lot of these “be a part’” type folks are sort of slow, and the church wants to try to “fit them in” to help them feel good. The main problem is that the church really doesn’t know quite where to put them due to certain, shall we say, “personal issues.” So basically, your average Usher can be anyone, from someone that knows what the hell they are doing to those people who lack rudimentary spatial awareness.

So you never know what type of an Usher you’re going to get when you step in a church. The next time you attend, keep in mind that the Ushers’ main jobs are to meet and greet at the door, cattle-rustle folks to their seats, and take the offering. The meet and greet sessions don’t have much excitement since the Ushers just stand there while folks walk in. The cattle rustling can get spicy since there are a lot of people who don’t like to be directed. Every once in a while you’ll get a freak who’ll run back out of the building yelling, “CULT! CULT,” when an Usher aims them towards a seat. So far no one has had to be tackled for trying to get to the pastor, though some of the more needy female parishioners have had to be headed off at the pass, so to speak. That’s good Ushering.

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[bob_brinton (bob_brinton)]

I was an usher in Lenox and then with the Remainder church which had John Gardner as pastor until I chose to stop and started working at the sound board. I did it because I was asked, and continued because hardly anyone would stay with it for any length of time. I would much rather have sat with my wife and payed attention to the service. I hated telling people that seats were reserved for pastor's wives and singers. I hated counting people. I didn't particularly like standing up while most people were sitting. I was not security. We didn't carry guns, knives or lassos. We didn't report naughty people to the management. Once in the old Barbara Stevens Memorial Chapel, I stopped someone who was interrupting a service quite loudly, and told him he couldn't do that. That's one time in about 15 years of ushering. And I didn't like doing it. I just happened to be the closest usher, and that was before the cute guys who talked into their sleeves and looked suspiciously in various directions.

[orangetwopay (orangetwopay)]

cool.

any other ushering experiences out there? was it all boring stuff, or was there ever some excitement? shoe bombs? screaming from the gallery? someone rushing the isle? flags? firearms? stones?