earnestseeker
05-28-2008, 05:55 PM
Hello again....I will continue in my task of detailing my experiences at Rose Creek Village so persons may know what it is like to actually live there...
Part Three.....
About my fourth or fifth day at the village I tried to express myself to a couple of women that I was living with and I did not do a good job of communicating because they became very upset and one young woman who had just arrived there a couple of days before me....(she was going through withdrawals from cocaine I later learned and had come to the village fresh out of jail....she was a single mom of a cute little girl just around age two)
Anyway this young woman called the leaders on me because I was saying that I did not expect anyone to watch my kids and that I would watch my own kids.....another older woman that I was living with kept saying "I can't watch your kids" even when I was not asking her to watch my two sons.
I got frustrated because for several years since my children were born no one really helped us with our kids at all...my husband and I always took care of them ourselves with practically no babysitters. so now this woman seemed defensive like I expected her to take care of my sons or something.
so I must have said something too strong or too angry because both of these women really freaked out when I tried to express myself. I really did not mean to offend anyone....I really was just trying to communicate and then I got myself into another emotional, stressful mess.
Chashaq and Noah came over again....they led me outside where they sat a few yards away from me....Chashaq way over to my left side and Noah way out in front of me....strange way to sit and talk, really. I think the whole object of this meeting was to see if they could get me to leave.
Noah offered me two hundred dollars to leave with (I kinda smirked at this on the inside....it had cost us so much more than this to move there).
And he asked me why I had come there.....which irritated me because I
had stated my sincere spiritual intentions of going deeper with God, etc.
So I felt like my sincerity was being challenged and this was frustrating since I am a very open, honest person. I had told Noah's wife via email before I came there that I was struggling with some depression, on Zoloft daily and that I had come out of problems with adultery. So I was totally up front and so I did not know why I was asked repeatedly why I had come there.
Anyway we talked and I apologized, trying to explain that I did not mean to upset anyone. Later I came to realize that the young woman who called Noah was a favorite of his...she was the daughter of a long time member there and had been a very troubled youth.
So he feared I would be a bad influence on her.
The young woman pursued a friendship with me and I spent some time with her late at night, drinking a little wine. she would try to get me to drink more and the first time I got a little intoxicated (I'm an easy drunk...I don't usually drink much alcohol at all)....so the second time around I just pretended to drink and so I did not become intoxicated....in fact I prevented this woman from driving simchah's suv when she had had too much and tried to drive.
So I actually did something GOOD.
So anyway after I got in trouble and had a leader meeting the second time I was pretty upset.....I remember hurting a lot but I kept trying to live at this village. Like a bull in a china shop.
I went around smiling at everyone and talking briefly with people....I think people really liked me although I probably did not realize this. One thing I have noticed is now I am able to see that people really do like me and to feel accepted where as before my village experience I really did not realize that people liked me....always felt like an outsider.
So that is good. I think I could go to a "regular" church now and develop relationships....I guess I have just opened up socially and emotionally and have matured some.
So at the village I was very sweet and tried to get along with everyone and to work and help out as much as I could....I seemed to have a "blow up" about once every two months. I think I really wanted to develop some intimate friendships but did not quite know how.....
So I lived there about eight months....after the first two weeks I was moved into the "household of Tabach"....Tabach is married man in his fifties....has been a long time member with his wife Hash. He has had experience as a police officer and as a plumber. Both he and his wife seem to be workaholic types....always doing something.
Also in our household (we lived in a doublewide with an addition that had been added on) was Nacham and Greg....a married couple who had been with the village a very long time as well....?maybe twelve or fifteen years..? Like Tabach and Hash they had about eight kids or something like that. One of their sons about the age of thirteen had been moved to the leader Chashaq's household because he had had some problems...like looking at violent pornography online, etc.
Within few weeks of us moving in this household Greg was moved to a mobile home with this troubled teen son of his and about three other adults...Anavah...an older woman who had been there a long time and who liked to give counsel when asked....and a married couple...Zeke and Naqi (Naqi actually has a masters in psychology or counseling).
Nacham decided Greg should not have visitation with his other children for the several weeks that he was moved "up the hill" to help his older son....she said he needed to be focused on what he was doing. So Greg was later seen walking by our mobile home around "the circle"...looking very disturbed at not being able to see his two year old son and wife and other sons for several weeks.
Greg was being spoken to very strongly by leaders and whoever else....they wanted him to be more spiritual ...to do more with his kids, etc....to "come up" in some things. He seemed like a very good man by worldly standards....he always worked....was a good worker....was friendly and fairly soft spoken. But what was said to me was that this couple had had a history of not being responsible or totally there for their children.
The thirteen year old son being worked with....at one point I heard that he had just curled up in the fetal position in response to all the "help" he was getting. It must have been pretty intense undergoing all that counseling from the adults. This teen was separated from his peers for a period of time....he would do homework all day at the warehouse where one of the businesses was ran. He did finally get to rejoin his peers and everyone clapped and applauded at one of the gatherings.
Nacham it was said used to not do the dishes until they were all dirty, etc....had one of her older children take care and be mother to some of the younger children.
Nacham was very intense and very diligent during the time I was there, so she obviously had changed. I was concerned about one of the boys...Joseph....Nacham seemed overly harsh with him and she was never that affectionate with him ....at least not to my standards. Sometimes early in the morning Joseph....about 11 years old...would be sleepy and he would not hold his fork right or something and she would take his breakfast away.
I hated this because the boy was pretty skinny already. I don't think anything was severe enough to constitute "child abuse" by social workers standards, but I do hope this child turns out ok. I wanted to take him out for ice cream or something special but his mother did not feel comfortable with that.
This child wanted to hold my hand some, etc. and I felt awkward and did not know what to do about this so I asked Haviylah and Chashaq what to do.
There had recently been a long standing member who had been taken to the sheriff's office by the leaders for doing something sexually inappropriate toward a child. I don't know the details...I think I heard later that whatever he did was not severe enough to constitute a crime...but the man was locked up for a time, banned from the village, cut off from any contact and sent for counseling.
This was the first incident of this kind and the village was very upset about it. A meeting was called with all the adults. So their sexual code is very strict...definitely holds up to Biblical standards.
So I did not know what to do with this eleven year old who seemed to have a crush on me or something. Haviylah said he was too young for this and helped give me some guidelines on what to do when he took my hand, etc. I did not have very much experience with teens....my oldest is just eight now.
Then there was a single woman named Kitra that lived in our household. she was in her forties and her three kids were grown. She had a history of extreme child abuse and carried a lot of guilt for not being a good enough mother. One of her sons is in his early twenties and has had some trouble.
He visited once and he was very sweet...he spent quality time with his mother...it was sweet.
The atmosphere in our household was very intense. There was about 10 kids ranging in age from two to twelve...and six boys...two of which were mine. At times especially in the morning the noise and rambunctiousness got on my nerves.
I often asked my sons to be quiet, especially in the morning and Kitra said she thought this meant that I really did not want to be the mother of my sons. or that I resented having to be mom or something. so you can see how every little thing was scrutinized.
I had never been a homemaker before and I had some emotional problems with not working....I had always worked and my mom had stopped homemaking, cooking, etc. after her divorce when I was about eight years old so homemaking was not valued much. I seemed to have a problem with cooking and cleaning....probably just a carryover from an attitude my mother had about those womanly tasks.
So this was difficult....I did not feel good about not working. I wanted to do this life though so I tried my best.....there was a schedule....a cook schedule where we took turns cooking...a clean up schedule where we supervised clean up....We would get up around 6am and things would keep going until late at night. I soon felt overwhelmed with the intensity of this homemaking....
Schedules even on the weekend. I wanted to relax and felt I could not. I shared in one of our meetings that I was not relaxed enough in my household and Hash told me that I had been very happy there....basicly telling me what my feelings were. Hash was really very judgemental, not that good at listening (she always had a cell phone up to her ear....she was constantly doing some work on a laptop...she was Chashaq's secretary) and she seemed to want to control everyone....especially me, I felt.
Every day Hash would make up a new schedule or try to tweak something. I admired her but her loud voice and intense personality also got on my nerves. I actually got in trouble with her once for trying to help do some of her laundry. She explained to me that I should have asked.
My self esteem seemed to reach dangerously low levels...and my depression seemed to worsen at some points. some times I was very happy...the sense of belonging....the love I felt for my new family....the security of having persons close.....and then at other times I remember hurting and wanting help and not knowing how to get it.
Toward the end of my time there I became very upset because my husband was upset that he had received a one page write up from his boss, Teshuva. Teshuva used to be a police officer and he was well known for enforcing rules. Anyway my husband was well known for being one of the best workers they had and he had just answered his cell phone at work when it was not break time. It was me calling....he was very concerned about me because he knew I was having emotional problems trying to adjust to this life.
So Teshuva just skipped the verbal warning that was really due as a first measure (all he had to do was just verbally and nicely mention this to phil and phil who is so over sensitive about his job performance would have responded to this)....and wrote up this one page reprimand for answering his phone. I read the letter and became very upset.
I said so this is how it is....the guys in authority who lord it over the peons...this is what this life is all about? I was very upset and tried to leave in my car but Tabach and Hash did not want me to go and persuaded me to talk some more...at which time I said horrible things about just leaving the kids and Phil there because I felt like the kids would get better parenting, etc. there then what I could give them. And I would just work and send money. I did not mean all this I was just horribly upset and exploding.
So I left for a couple of days and then Tabach told me that the leaders and him and whoever had decided that I had to stay outside the village for a week and have limited time with my family ...and to think everything over, etc.
So I spent a week in a cheap motel (that is all we could afford...with me staying at home we had to file bankruptcy)...I wound up being in the room next to another long time member who had decided to leave the village...he was an older single man in his 50s who struggled with alcoholism...he was an extremely good worker....he said he had felt he had been spoken to harshly by some housemates and he seemed like he was not getting whatever he needed.
He had decided to attend a church service at a nearby local church and Chashaq had told him he could not do this and he walked several miles to attend this service anyway. So Chashaq was upset with him over this and he asked the leaders how he could leave the village.
So the leaders helped him take his stuff to a local motel and paid up a week I think.
So he was drinking and not doing well when I was there. I tried to help him spiritually....he had to spend some time under the bridge homeless I think and then some people from a local church helped him survive until the village took him back. He said the leaders told him he had to stay out of the village 30 days.
Anyway I became very depressed in the motel for a week....I felt like my mental health was declining and that I was close to a nervous breakdown. As a professional I have learned to hide my emotions so people maybe could not tell all that I had been going through for the past eight months.
I had emailed Haviylah a lot and it should have been clear the emotional trouble I was having but she was very busy with ?eight grandbabies, two daughters, etc.
She is a very matter of fact person that says "pain is good" and then goes on to do something....strong, workaholic type...so if you tell her you are hurting or depressed she is not likely to advise counseling, etc. but will simply direct you to go wash dishes or something.
In one of our womens' meetings it was strongly said "we are made to clean and to take care of the children.
I had emotional problems about being a woman there. I really missed my work and was jealous that the men got to keep something of their lives...got to leave the house and the village some and to achieve something while us women were at the house seven days a week....
The leaders were constantly being bragged on and I felt like they were lucky and had the more interesting job. They got to travel, to talk to a lot of people, to make decisions and to have some authority. And they were so respected and admired. Noah would often talk about how busy they were, etc.
My husband tried to talk to Noah and Noah never made time to talk with him. Except in some big intimidating leader meeting.
There were meetings held while I was in the motel for a week....my husband said I needed counseling...whether inside or outside the village an requested that I have time with some of the women that I trusted...time to talk with them on a regular basis.
They said I did not need to talk that I just needed to submit and go back to the same household and stay more inside that household than ever before.
They just seemed to think I was attention seeking and just rebellious.
If they are not careful I am afraid they are going to make the same mistake that Reba Fellowship made....push someone too far until they commit suicide. I think if I had stayed there another year continuing to go through what I was going through with out help I would have had a mental breakdown or maybe even committed suicide.
I deeply loved those people and looked at them like my family. I do not think they cared much about us. So what they say about laying down you life, etc....that is just a one way thing.
So I never went back to the village because I knew my mental health was deteriorating and they would not allow me to have counseling.....I just felt condemned, rejected.
My husband sent me to Reba Fellowship where I stayed for a couple of weeks....a Mennonite community in Evanston, IL....they have a website..
they were very sweet and gentle and one of their older ministers took a lot of time to pray and talk with me. They helped me a lot.
We are now in Phoenix AZ living in a motel in a bad area with about a thousand dollars in cash and no credit cards because we have filed bankruptcy. We eat at the shelters just one or two miles away.
Phil has a job offer...I think he is going to be offered a position as a teacher for the Fall. My previous employer thinks I am nuts for joining a cult and does not seem too interested in rehiring me. But I am a nurse and the desparate nursing homes will hire me. I have already been offered a job for 24 hours a week at a nursing home.
So we are rebuilding our lives. I plan on getting counseling as soon as I can afford it. I felt a lot of pain for several weeks after leaving the village...the pain of rejection....the pain of reliving the loss of a father figure.....my experiences there seemed to open up childhood wounds that had never healed.....I felt like a child there.....
I do better if I have some independence, some control over my life.
I wish I could have been a part of that family.....but there were so many strings attached. I told Noah if they ever moderated and allowed people to live outside the village to let me know.
We had asked to live outside for a year or two and for me to spend half days there helping with the homeschooling of the kids and giving my children time to socialize with the other children. I explained that I needed this emotional space and time to develop trust, etc. I could not easily trust.
The answer was no. In fact Chashaq would not let my son have his workbooks so he could finish the curriculum for that year. I asked if my son could say good bye to his class and the answer was no.
We would be allowed to live outside and Phil could keep working with the brothers and as a family we could go to gatherings but could not speak at the gatherings.
No one visited us at our house except for a single man who was waiting for the brothers to come by and pick him up after work.
No one called us. No one cared.
So much for their version of LOVE.
I did get a deeper understanding of how Jesus must have felt when he was rejected and outcast.
I feel like I can go on and be ok. I am a survivor. I did not stay long enough and my defenses were strong enough to kick in before I was harmed too much.....
I will go to a church and pursue friendship and God and all those good things and we will rebuild. God loves us and god loves the village. I try to forgive everything...I know I was not perfect and I feel sorry for a lot of the people at the village.
Especially the women ....they just work, work, work all the time...seven days a week.
Anyway....enough shared for now....I will go on with life and thank God for this beautiful day.
God Bless all you who took time to read this....
Peace, Love, Joy, Grace and Mercy to you,
earnestseeker
Part Three.....
About my fourth or fifth day at the village I tried to express myself to a couple of women that I was living with and I did not do a good job of communicating because they became very upset and one young woman who had just arrived there a couple of days before me....(she was going through withdrawals from cocaine I later learned and had come to the village fresh out of jail....she was a single mom of a cute little girl just around age two)
Anyway this young woman called the leaders on me because I was saying that I did not expect anyone to watch my kids and that I would watch my own kids.....another older woman that I was living with kept saying "I can't watch your kids" even when I was not asking her to watch my two sons.
I got frustrated because for several years since my children were born no one really helped us with our kids at all...my husband and I always took care of them ourselves with practically no babysitters. so now this woman seemed defensive like I expected her to take care of my sons or something.
so I must have said something too strong or too angry because both of these women really freaked out when I tried to express myself. I really did not mean to offend anyone....I really was just trying to communicate and then I got myself into another emotional, stressful mess.
Chashaq and Noah came over again....they led me outside where they sat a few yards away from me....Chashaq way over to my left side and Noah way out in front of me....strange way to sit and talk, really. I think the whole object of this meeting was to see if they could get me to leave.
Noah offered me two hundred dollars to leave with (I kinda smirked at this on the inside....it had cost us so much more than this to move there).
And he asked me why I had come there.....which irritated me because I
had stated my sincere spiritual intentions of going deeper with God, etc.
So I felt like my sincerity was being challenged and this was frustrating since I am a very open, honest person. I had told Noah's wife via email before I came there that I was struggling with some depression, on Zoloft daily and that I had come out of problems with adultery. So I was totally up front and so I did not know why I was asked repeatedly why I had come there.
Anyway we talked and I apologized, trying to explain that I did not mean to upset anyone. Later I came to realize that the young woman who called Noah was a favorite of his...she was the daughter of a long time member there and had been a very troubled youth.
So he feared I would be a bad influence on her.
The young woman pursued a friendship with me and I spent some time with her late at night, drinking a little wine. she would try to get me to drink more and the first time I got a little intoxicated (I'm an easy drunk...I don't usually drink much alcohol at all)....so the second time around I just pretended to drink and so I did not become intoxicated....in fact I prevented this woman from driving simchah's suv when she had had too much and tried to drive.
So I actually did something GOOD.
So anyway after I got in trouble and had a leader meeting the second time I was pretty upset.....I remember hurting a lot but I kept trying to live at this village. Like a bull in a china shop.
I went around smiling at everyone and talking briefly with people....I think people really liked me although I probably did not realize this. One thing I have noticed is now I am able to see that people really do like me and to feel accepted where as before my village experience I really did not realize that people liked me....always felt like an outsider.
So that is good. I think I could go to a "regular" church now and develop relationships....I guess I have just opened up socially and emotionally and have matured some.
So at the village I was very sweet and tried to get along with everyone and to work and help out as much as I could....I seemed to have a "blow up" about once every two months. I think I really wanted to develop some intimate friendships but did not quite know how.....
So I lived there about eight months....after the first two weeks I was moved into the "household of Tabach"....Tabach is married man in his fifties....has been a long time member with his wife Hash. He has had experience as a police officer and as a plumber. Both he and his wife seem to be workaholic types....always doing something.
Also in our household (we lived in a doublewide with an addition that had been added on) was Nacham and Greg....a married couple who had been with the village a very long time as well....?maybe twelve or fifteen years..? Like Tabach and Hash they had about eight kids or something like that. One of their sons about the age of thirteen had been moved to the leader Chashaq's household because he had had some problems...like looking at violent pornography online, etc.
Within few weeks of us moving in this household Greg was moved to a mobile home with this troubled teen son of his and about three other adults...Anavah...an older woman who had been there a long time and who liked to give counsel when asked....and a married couple...Zeke and Naqi (Naqi actually has a masters in psychology or counseling).
Nacham decided Greg should not have visitation with his other children for the several weeks that he was moved "up the hill" to help his older son....she said he needed to be focused on what he was doing. So Greg was later seen walking by our mobile home around "the circle"...looking very disturbed at not being able to see his two year old son and wife and other sons for several weeks.
Greg was being spoken to very strongly by leaders and whoever else....they wanted him to be more spiritual ...to do more with his kids, etc....to "come up" in some things. He seemed like a very good man by worldly standards....he always worked....was a good worker....was friendly and fairly soft spoken. But what was said to me was that this couple had had a history of not being responsible or totally there for their children.
The thirteen year old son being worked with....at one point I heard that he had just curled up in the fetal position in response to all the "help" he was getting. It must have been pretty intense undergoing all that counseling from the adults. This teen was separated from his peers for a period of time....he would do homework all day at the warehouse where one of the businesses was ran. He did finally get to rejoin his peers and everyone clapped and applauded at one of the gatherings.
Nacham it was said used to not do the dishes until they were all dirty, etc....had one of her older children take care and be mother to some of the younger children.
Nacham was very intense and very diligent during the time I was there, so she obviously had changed. I was concerned about one of the boys...Joseph....Nacham seemed overly harsh with him and she was never that affectionate with him ....at least not to my standards. Sometimes early in the morning Joseph....about 11 years old...would be sleepy and he would not hold his fork right or something and she would take his breakfast away.
I hated this because the boy was pretty skinny already. I don't think anything was severe enough to constitute "child abuse" by social workers standards, but I do hope this child turns out ok. I wanted to take him out for ice cream or something special but his mother did not feel comfortable with that.
This child wanted to hold my hand some, etc. and I felt awkward and did not know what to do about this so I asked Haviylah and Chashaq what to do.
There had recently been a long standing member who had been taken to the sheriff's office by the leaders for doing something sexually inappropriate toward a child. I don't know the details...I think I heard later that whatever he did was not severe enough to constitute a crime...but the man was locked up for a time, banned from the village, cut off from any contact and sent for counseling.
This was the first incident of this kind and the village was very upset about it. A meeting was called with all the adults. So their sexual code is very strict...definitely holds up to Biblical standards.
So I did not know what to do with this eleven year old who seemed to have a crush on me or something. Haviylah said he was too young for this and helped give me some guidelines on what to do when he took my hand, etc. I did not have very much experience with teens....my oldest is just eight now.
Then there was a single woman named Kitra that lived in our household. she was in her forties and her three kids were grown. She had a history of extreme child abuse and carried a lot of guilt for not being a good enough mother. One of her sons is in his early twenties and has had some trouble.
He visited once and he was very sweet...he spent quality time with his mother...it was sweet.
The atmosphere in our household was very intense. There was about 10 kids ranging in age from two to twelve...and six boys...two of which were mine. At times especially in the morning the noise and rambunctiousness got on my nerves.
I often asked my sons to be quiet, especially in the morning and Kitra said she thought this meant that I really did not want to be the mother of my sons. or that I resented having to be mom or something. so you can see how every little thing was scrutinized.
I had never been a homemaker before and I had some emotional problems with not working....I had always worked and my mom had stopped homemaking, cooking, etc. after her divorce when I was about eight years old so homemaking was not valued much. I seemed to have a problem with cooking and cleaning....probably just a carryover from an attitude my mother had about those womanly tasks.
So this was difficult....I did not feel good about not working. I wanted to do this life though so I tried my best.....there was a schedule....a cook schedule where we took turns cooking...a clean up schedule where we supervised clean up....We would get up around 6am and things would keep going until late at night. I soon felt overwhelmed with the intensity of this homemaking....
Schedules even on the weekend. I wanted to relax and felt I could not. I shared in one of our meetings that I was not relaxed enough in my household and Hash told me that I had been very happy there....basicly telling me what my feelings were. Hash was really very judgemental, not that good at listening (she always had a cell phone up to her ear....she was constantly doing some work on a laptop...she was Chashaq's secretary) and she seemed to want to control everyone....especially me, I felt.
Every day Hash would make up a new schedule or try to tweak something. I admired her but her loud voice and intense personality also got on my nerves. I actually got in trouble with her once for trying to help do some of her laundry. She explained to me that I should have asked.
My self esteem seemed to reach dangerously low levels...and my depression seemed to worsen at some points. some times I was very happy...the sense of belonging....the love I felt for my new family....the security of having persons close.....and then at other times I remember hurting and wanting help and not knowing how to get it.
Toward the end of my time there I became very upset because my husband was upset that he had received a one page write up from his boss, Teshuva. Teshuva used to be a police officer and he was well known for enforcing rules. Anyway my husband was well known for being one of the best workers they had and he had just answered his cell phone at work when it was not break time. It was me calling....he was very concerned about me because he knew I was having emotional problems trying to adjust to this life.
So Teshuva just skipped the verbal warning that was really due as a first measure (all he had to do was just verbally and nicely mention this to phil and phil who is so over sensitive about his job performance would have responded to this)....and wrote up this one page reprimand for answering his phone. I read the letter and became very upset.
I said so this is how it is....the guys in authority who lord it over the peons...this is what this life is all about? I was very upset and tried to leave in my car but Tabach and Hash did not want me to go and persuaded me to talk some more...at which time I said horrible things about just leaving the kids and Phil there because I felt like the kids would get better parenting, etc. there then what I could give them. And I would just work and send money. I did not mean all this I was just horribly upset and exploding.
So I left for a couple of days and then Tabach told me that the leaders and him and whoever had decided that I had to stay outside the village for a week and have limited time with my family ...and to think everything over, etc.
So I spent a week in a cheap motel (that is all we could afford...with me staying at home we had to file bankruptcy)...I wound up being in the room next to another long time member who had decided to leave the village...he was an older single man in his 50s who struggled with alcoholism...he was an extremely good worker....he said he had felt he had been spoken to harshly by some housemates and he seemed like he was not getting whatever he needed.
He had decided to attend a church service at a nearby local church and Chashaq had told him he could not do this and he walked several miles to attend this service anyway. So Chashaq was upset with him over this and he asked the leaders how he could leave the village.
So the leaders helped him take his stuff to a local motel and paid up a week I think.
So he was drinking and not doing well when I was there. I tried to help him spiritually....he had to spend some time under the bridge homeless I think and then some people from a local church helped him survive until the village took him back. He said the leaders told him he had to stay out of the village 30 days.
Anyway I became very depressed in the motel for a week....I felt like my mental health was declining and that I was close to a nervous breakdown. As a professional I have learned to hide my emotions so people maybe could not tell all that I had been going through for the past eight months.
I had emailed Haviylah a lot and it should have been clear the emotional trouble I was having but she was very busy with ?eight grandbabies, two daughters, etc.
She is a very matter of fact person that says "pain is good" and then goes on to do something....strong, workaholic type...so if you tell her you are hurting or depressed she is not likely to advise counseling, etc. but will simply direct you to go wash dishes or something.
In one of our womens' meetings it was strongly said "we are made to clean and to take care of the children.
I had emotional problems about being a woman there. I really missed my work and was jealous that the men got to keep something of their lives...got to leave the house and the village some and to achieve something while us women were at the house seven days a week....
The leaders were constantly being bragged on and I felt like they were lucky and had the more interesting job. They got to travel, to talk to a lot of people, to make decisions and to have some authority. And they were so respected and admired. Noah would often talk about how busy they were, etc.
My husband tried to talk to Noah and Noah never made time to talk with him. Except in some big intimidating leader meeting.
There were meetings held while I was in the motel for a week....my husband said I needed counseling...whether inside or outside the village an requested that I have time with some of the women that I trusted...time to talk with them on a regular basis.
They said I did not need to talk that I just needed to submit and go back to the same household and stay more inside that household than ever before.
They just seemed to think I was attention seeking and just rebellious.
If they are not careful I am afraid they are going to make the same mistake that Reba Fellowship made....push someone too far until they commit suicide. I think if I had stayed there another year continuing to go through what I was going through with out help I would have had a mental breakdown or maybe even committed suicide.
I deeply loved those people and looked at them like my family. I do not think they cared much about us. So what they say about laying down you life, etc....that is just a one way thing.
So I never went back to the village because I knew my mental health was deteriorating and they would not allow me to have counseling.....I just felt condemned, rejected.
My husband sent me to Reba Fellowship where I stayed for a couple of weeks....a Mennonite community in Evanston, IL....they have a website..
they were very sweet and gentle and one of their older ministers took a lot of time to pray and talk with me. They helped me a lot.
We are now in Phoenix AZ living in a motel in a bad area with about a thousand dollars in cash and no credit cards because we have filed bankruptcy. We eat at the shelters just one or two miles away.
Phil has a job offer...I think he is going to be offered a position as a teacher for the Fall. My previous employer thinks I am nuts for joining a cult and does not seem too interested in rehiring me. But I am a nurse and the desparate nursing homes will hire me. I have already been offered a job for 24 hours a week at a nursing home.
So we are rebuilding our lives. I plan on getting counseling as soon as I can afford it. I felt a lot of pain for several weeks after leaving the village...the pain of rejection....the pain of reliving the loss of a father figure.....my experiences there seemed to open up childhood wounds that had never healed.....I felt like a child there.....
I do better if I have some independence, some control over my life.
I wish I could have been a part of that family.....but there were so many strings attached. I told Noah if they ever moderated and allowed people to live outside the village to let me know.
We had asked to live outside for a year or two and for me to spend half days there helping with the homeschooling of the kids and giving my children time to socialize with the other children. I explained that I needed this emotional space and time to develop trust, etc. I could not easily trust.
The answer was no. In fact Chashaq would not let my son have his workbooks so he could finish the curriculum for that year. I asked if my son could say good bye to his class and the answer was no.
We would be allowed to live outside and Phil could keep working with the brothers and as a family we could go to gatherings but could not speak at the gatherings.
No one visited us at our house except for a single man who was waiting for the brothers to come by and pick him up after work.
No one called us. No one cared.
So much for their version of LOVE.
I did get a deeper understanding of how Jesus must have felt when he was rejected and outcast.
I feel like I can go on and be ok. I am a survivor. I did not stay long enough and my defenses were strong enough to kick in before I was harmed too much.....
I will go to a church and pursue friendship and God and all those good things and we will rebuild. God loves us and god loves the village. I try to forgive everything...I know I was not perfect and I feel sorry for a lot of the people at the village.
Especially the women ....they just work, work, work all the time...seven days a week.
Anyway....enough shared for now....I will go on with life and thank God for this beautiful day.
God Bless all you who took time to read this....
Peace, Love, Joy, Grace and Mercy to you,
earnestseeker