earnestseeker
05-28-2008, 07:39 AM
Hello again....I seem to have lost a whole page....I will try this again.
I am continuing on in this tedious task of describing in detail my experiences at Rose Creek Village. We did not go to the village in very good shape spiritually. I simply found "regular" churches dry and boring and did not think I could bring into the social circles there without going to 100 potlucks, etc. so I thought God had spoken to me that we needed a family-type environment with intimate christian friends to grow in God.
So I was not a regular church goer....I worked on the weekends as a nurse so I could be mom during the week. My hubby took the kids to church every Sunday and I encouraged him to do this. We have been careful to protect our kids and to give them christian teaching, etc.
So when I went to the village I was grappling with depression which I had been taking Zoloft 50 mg a day for ....for about two years....I had some kind of "pain" in my soul...for lack of a better description. I had adulterous relationships that I had not repented for....I thought I was doing a nice thing for my special friends....helping them to be happy.
I don't know how I came to believe that but that is just an example of how Satan can get you to decieve yourself. Anyway, you get the picture. I warned you I believe in being realistic and honest....if I am going to tell the nitty gritty truth about the village then I feel obligated to tell the same about myself to give a realistic picture.
I feel a little embarassed but this is what I force myself to do to maintain some kind of fairness or integrity.....or maybe just to abuse myself, I don't know.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. So when I came to the village I was either a carnal christian or not really saved.
I got in trouble like my second day....I was walking into the mobile home that I was given a temporary room in (I was given one of the LEADER'S rooms...Nathaniel and Rachel are their names....nice room but just average by American standards) they were gone on a trip to california to spend time with some people interested in RCV.
So I was walking into this mobile home my second day there and one of the more authoritative leaders named Chashaq was sitting on the porch...I don't remember talking to him at all before this...he gave me a very stern look and said to me "how come you are here without your husband?"
Well his manner made me mad. Mind you I grew up seeing my mother abused by a string of boyfriends and I vowed at a young age that I was not going to be abused. So I have never sought out dominating men.
So I lost my temper and said whatever I said. The conversation or whatever exchange it was ...was carried inside. Simchah a lady that lived in the mobile home said I was "throwing daggers" at Chashaq and Chashaq soon just laid down on the carpet and just looked at me. Simchah advised him to just leave.
Chashaq asked me if he could help me pack my car to leave and I said he could help us get our jobs back and he could pick up all the pieces of my shattered hope and put that in the car. And then he left and I just started bawling which I rarely do. Simchah held me and another woman, Hashachar, came over and laid her hand on my head or something like that and then left.
Simchah is a single mother of four children...three of which are teens now. She had a military husband who did not want to stay a part of the village so he left and she stayed. I liked Simchah right off....she seemed to have depth and could be very affectionate but was very strong as well.
She seemed to like me a lot and said if I ever left she would come to get me herself.
Oddly just a few months after she said that I moved just a few miles outside of the village and she never came by to visit, never called...nothing. When I left the village physically she just dropped me like a hot potatoe and said that I had crossed some kind of line.
Of course she would probably say that the Holy Spirit had told her not to contact me. Everything is so justified. You can do or say about anything...just say the Holy Spirit told you to do it.
Anyway the next morning I was shaking I was so upset. There was to be a meeting with the leaders that morning.....I called for help.....I called Haviylah, Noah's wife, and told her I was in trouble and that I did not want to leave the village. She said to just act "small" and to not act "big" and to repent and tell them I wanted to stay.
Haviylah was a mother figure to me. She emailed me before I moved to the village and I checked my email several times a day. I was so lonely.
Traumatic events occurred when I was about eight or nine years old...my mother was married for six years and then her husband divorced her ....she was the perfect housewife and we were the perfect christian family.....and then she started doing marijuana or whatever and partying with the hippies and boyfriends and moving a lot.
When I was nine she was beat up pretty bad. I remember trying to figure out how to kill him and cursing him out. I thought "he can break my arm, but I can break his finger!) About that age I shut down and just withdrew and did my school work. I never did develop relationships after that age...
then discovered sex at 17 and how I could find intimacy easily with the opposite sex. I did not have real relationships....just you know what buddies...keeping my friend for about three months and then we just parted ways....no fighting or arguing....just an understanding that it was just a casual relationship.
And I was suicidal from 17 to 24....attempting suicide a few times, thinking a lot about death and about how I could off myself.....as a kid I went to church all the time until at 17 I got depressed because my younger siblings were taken away from my mom by the state, etc.
My mom told me her problems were due to poverty and I believed this for a long time. So I got two bachelor degrees, determined that I was not going to be poor.
So you get the picture...I've had some mental health issues....emotional problems. But I fit in OK.
So living at the village was a big jump. The intimate informal environment brought up all kinds of emotions in me and at times I acted out with anger, etc. Most of the time I did great because I do have a great work ethic if I am not too depressed.
But Haviylah was important to me. My first day she escorted me to the mobile home I was to stay at and I asked her "are you and Noah like pastors?" She said "No...I'm your MOM".
So I really craved a close relationship with her. She was a nurse like myself and I just really liked her. I continued to email her even at the village because I soon learned she was extremely popular and hard to get time with.
I thought if I tried hard enough I could have a relationship with her so I emailed her and told her I would like to spend one hour a week cooking with her or something. She basicly ignored this request. I kept pursuing her like I would a boyfriend or something, though....thinking if I tried hard enough things would work out.
but I never was able to develop this close, secure relationship with her. A one point we talked about it and she said I had unrealistic expectations.
So you can see how socially I started drowning right off. I tried to reach out for help to persons like Haviylah, etc. but their only solution to everything is just to cook, clean house, etc.....to serve. They have not evolved into accepting christian counseling as a viable alternative.
I think I was too much of a case for them to know what to do with or to CARE what to do with.
They have grown in the past year or two and I think the leaders have likewise grown more authoritative and less intimate.
Haviy....also called "Ammah"...which means "mother" is 58 years old....very attractive, fairly sweet person....she did counsel me more than any other leader....I really only had maybe two or three hours with the leaders....mostly Noah or Chashaq and this was mostly during some big leader meeting where I was being talked to.
So normal relationship building time.....just talking or driniing coffee together....like I heard they used to do.....was not available. I felt like I could not accept such authoritative stuff without first at least getting to know the person trying to take over my decision making power.
so I was struggling with the leader thing. As Noah said forcefully in a "gathering"...their word for church: "This is not a democracy!"
But I actually did get a little bit of time with Haviy....not really that much either, but definitely more than any other "leader". She did help me a lot...she shared some of her checkered past with me and she talked with me about my sexual sins.....She said once when we were in a discussion about sex addiction...."Sex is for making babies" and then added that this eventually wanes in a marriage.
For some reason that simple statement really did something for me and I think about that statement quite often. With my two degrees you would think that such a common sense statement would mean very little.
But in our society today sex is such a BIG deal....synonymous with love or something.
I remember as a kid how important boyfriends were to my mom...and still are. And then the man who taught me how to french kiss at nine....luckily I eventually told my mother and things stopped. I am lucky that is all that happened to me.
Then the rock and roll and the movies and the seventh grade rock and roll dance. I didn't have a chance. Neither do kids these days.....it is like the Bible says "....perverse and wicked generation".....
So I had to face my sexual sins and I had to turn and accept some of those oldfashioned outdated sayings, etc. and acknowledge the wickedness of my ways. Not an easy thing to do.
So I grappled with pain and guilt and felt dirty, etc. And I eventually confessed to my husband who surprisingly forgave me and was super blessed that I trusted him enough to confess such things to him.
He is so sweet....if I murdered a cop or something he would say "well...they had it coming"....well, maybe not ....but you get the idea:).
Anyway I do think I was delivered of the spirit of lust there. I had some really strong thoughts go through my mind after a heated discussion with the senior leader Noah. It scared me. He did not do anything wrong really but there was the typical hugging....and I've always had a soft spot for older men since I did not have a daddy.
So I got really freaked out over this and had trouble for a several weeks with fantasies, etc.....so I confessed to Haviylah to embarass myself into not having these thoughts, etc.
Of course I eventually was able to stop the thoughts but you can see what an embarassing tiring ordeal this was. And it put further strain on my relationship with Haviy which was frustrating.
So you may be relieved to know that Noah is not into physical church. He may have had a problem in the past, I do not know....I doubt it. He does have that friendly personality....typical of persons who have those kind of problems, but he does not have any problems currently...I strongly believe this. He is 61 so he may have matured or may have never had those problems.
So I was delivered from the spirit of lust, I quit listening to rock and roll, I matured some socially and emotionally.....so I did get something spiritually at the village.....my marriage is much stronger and healthier....we learned parenting skills....I learned to be a better homemaker.....I came face to face with some of my demons, literally.
So there was a lot of good that came out of my time there.
I will continue on with this journaling at a later date!!
Thanks for reading!! God Bless you...my his love, peace, grace, mercy
be with you....remember God's mercies are new every morning and we all can come to God through Christ who shed His blood that we might be redeemed in spite of our sins.
I am continuing on in this tedious task of describing in detail my experiences at Rose Creek Village. We did not go to the village in very good shape spiritually. I simply found "regular" churches dry and boring and did not think I could bring into the social circles there without going to 100 potlucks, etc. so I thought God had spoken to me that we needed a family-type environment with intimate christian friends to grow in God.
So I was not a regular church goer....I worked on the weekends as a nurse so I could be mom during the week. My hubby took the kids to church every Sunday and I encouraged him to do this. We have been careful to protect our kids and to give them christian teaching, etc.
So when I went to the village I was grappling with depression which I had been taking Zoloft 50 mg a day for ....for about two years....I had some kind of "pain" in my soul...for lack of a better description. I had adulterous relationships that I had not repented for....I thought I was doing a nice thing for my special friends....helping them to be happy.
I don't know how I came to believe that but that is just an example of how Satan can get you to decieve yourself. Anyway, you get the picture. I warned you I believe in being realistic and honest....if I am going to tell the nitty gritty truth about the village then I feel obligated to tell the same about myself to give a realistic picture.
I feel a little embarassed but this is what I force myself to do to maintain some kind of fairness or integrity.....or maybe just to abuse myself, I don't know.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. So when I came to the village I was either a carnal christian or not really saved.
I got in trouble like my second day....I was walking into the mobile home that I was given a temporary room in (I was given one of the LEADER'S rooms...Nathaniel and Rachel are their names....nice room but just average by American standards) they were gone on a trip to california to spend time with some people interested in RCV.
So I was walking into this mobile home my second day there and one of the more authoritative leaders named Chashaq was sitting on the porch...I don't remember talking to him at all before this...he gave me a very stern look and said to me "how come you are here without your husband?"
Well his manner made me mad. Mind you I grew up seeing my mother abused by a string of boyfriends and I vowed at a young age that I was not going to be abused. So I have never sought out dominating men.
So I lost my temper and said whatever I said. The conversation or whatever exchange it was ...was carried inside. Simchah a lady that lived in the mobile home said I was "throwing daggers" at Chashaq and Chashaq soon just laid down on the carpet and just looked at me. Simchah advised him to just leave.
Chashaq asked me if he could help me pack my car to leave and I said he could help us get our jobs back and he could pick up all the pieces of my shattered hope and put that in the car. And then he left and I just started bawling which I rarely do. Simchah held me and another woman, Hashachar, came over and laid her hand on my head or something like that and then left.
Simchah is a single mother of four children...three of which are teens now. She had a military husband who did not want to stay a part of the village so he left and she stayed. I liked Simchah right off....she seemed to have depth and could be very affectionate but was very strong as well.
She seemed to like me a lot and said if I ever left she would come to get me herself.
Oddly just a few months after she said that I moved just a few miles outside of the village and she never came by to visit, never called...nothing. When I left the village physically she just dropped me like a hot potatoe and said that I had crossed some kind of line.
Of course she would probably say that the Holy Spirit had told her not to contact me. Everything is so justified. You can do or say about anything...just say the Holy Spirit told you to do it.
Anyway the next morning I was shaking I was so upset. There was to be a meeting with the leaders that morning.....I called for help.....I called Haviylah, Noah's wife, and told her I was in trouble and that I did not want to leave the village. She said to just act "small" and to not act "big" and to repent and tell them I wanted to stay.
Haviylah was a mother figure to me. She emailed me before I moved to the village and I checked my email several times a day. I was so lonely.
Traumatic events occurred when I was about eight or nine years old...my mother was married for six years and then her husband divorced her ....she was the perfect housewife and we were the perfect christian family.....and then she started doing marijuana or whatever and partying with the hippies and boyfriends and moving a lot.
When I was nine she was beat up pretty bad. I remember trying to figure out how to kill him and cursing him out. I thought "he can break my arm, but I can break his finger!) About that age I shut down and just withdrew and did my school work. I never did develop relationships after that age...
then discovered sex at 17 and how I could find intimacy easily with the opposite sex. I did not have real relationships....just you know what buddies...keeping my friend for about three months and then we just parted ways....no fighting or arguing....just an understanding that it was just a casual relationship.
And I was suicidal from 17 to 24....attempting suicide a few times, thinking a lot about death and about how I could off myself.....as a kid I went to church all the time until at 17 I got depressed because my younger siblings were taken away from my mom by the state, etc.
My mom told me her problems were due to poverty and I believed this for a long time. So I got two bachelor degrees, determined that I was not going to be poor.
So you get the picture...I've had some mental health issues....emotional problems. But I fit in OK.
So living at the village was a big jump. The intimate informal environment brought up all kinds of emotions in me and at times I acted out with anger, etc. Most of the time I did great because I do have a great work ethic if I am not too depressed.
But Haviylah was important to me. My first day she escorted me to the mobile home I was to stay at and I asked her "are you and Noah like pastors?" She said "No...I'm your MOM".
So I really craved a close relationship with her. She was a nurse like myself and I just really liked her. I continued to email her even at the village because I soon learned she was extremely popular and hard to get time with.
I thought if I tried hard enough I could have a relationship with her so I emailed her and told her I would like to spend one hour a week cooking with her or something. She basicly ignored this request. I kept pursuing her like I would a boyfriend or something, though....thinking if I tried hard enough things would work out.
but I never was able to develop this close, secure relationship with her. A one point we talked about it and she said I had unrealistic expectations.
So you can see how socially I started drowning right off. I tried to reach out for help to persons like Haviylah, etc. but their only solution to everything is just to cook, clean house, etc.....to serve. They have not evolved into accepting christian counseling as a viable alternative.
I think I was too much of a case for them to know what to do with or to CARE what to do with.
They have grown in the past year or two and I think the leaders have likewise grown more authoritative and less intimate.
Haviy....also called "Ammah"...which means "mother" is 58 years old....very attractive, fairly sweet person....she did counsel me more than any other leader....I really only had maybe two or three hours with the leaders....mostly Noah or Chashaq and this was mostly during some big leader meeting where I was being talked to.
So normal relationship building time.....just talking or driniing coffee together....like I heard they used to do.....was not available. I felt like I could not accept such authoritative stuff without first at least getting to know the person trying to take over my decision making power.
so I was struggling with the leader thing. As Noah said forcefully in a "gathering"...their word for church: "This is not a democracy!"
But I actually did get a little bit of time with Haviy....not really that much either, but definitely more than any other "leader". She did help me a lot...she shared some of her checkered past with me and she talked with me about my sexual sins.....She said once when we were in a discussion about sex addiction...."Sex is for making babies" and then added that this eventually wanes in a marriage.
For some reason that simple statement really did something for me and I think about that statement quite often. With my two degrees you would think that such a common sense statement would mean very little.
But in our society today sex is such a BIG deal....synonymous with love or something.
I remember as a kid how important boyfriends were to my mom...and still are. And then the man who taught me how to french kiss at nine....luckily I eventually told my mother and things stopped. I am lucky that is all that happened to me.
Then the rock and roll and the movies and the seventh grade rock and roll dance. I didn't have a chance. Neither do kids these days.....it is like the Bible says "....perverse and wicked generation".....
So I had to face my sexual sins and I had to turn and accept some of those oldfashioned outdated sayings, etc. and acknowledge the wickedness of my ways. Not an easy thing to do.
So I grappled with pain and guilt and felt dirty, etc. And I eventually confessed to my husband who surprisingly forgave me and was super blessed that I trusted him enough to confess such things to him.
He is so sweet....if I murdered a cop or something he would say "well...they had it coming"....well, maybe not ....but you get the idea:).
Anyway I do think I was delivered of the spirit of lust there. I had some really strong thoughts go through my mind after a heated discussion with the senior leader Noah. It scared me. He did not do anything wrong really but there was the typical hugging....and I've always had a soft spot for older men since I did not have a daddy.
So I got really freaked out over this and had trouble for a several weeks with fantasies, etc.....so I confessed to Haviylah to embarass myself into not having these thoughts, etc.
Of course I eventually was able to stop the thoughts but you can see what an embarassing tiring ordeal this was. And it put further strain on my relationship with Haviy which was frustrating.
So you may be relieved to know that Noah is not into physical church. He may have had a problem in the past, I do not know....I doubt it. He does have that friendly personality....typical of persons who have those kind of problems, but he does not have any problems currently...I strongly believe this. He is 61 so he may have matured or may have never had those problems.
So I was delivered from the spirit of lust, I quit listening to rock and roll, I matured some socially and emotionally.....so I did get something spiritually at the village.....my marriage is much stronger and healthier....we learned parenting skills....I learned to be a better homemaker.....I came face to face with some of my demons, literally.
So there was a lot of good that came out of my time there.
I will continue on with this journaling at a later date!!
Thanks for reading!! God Bless you...my his love, peace, grace, mercy
be with you....remember God's mercies are new every morning and we all can come to God through Christ who shed His blood that we might be redeemed in spite of our sins.