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ashsmash
New member
Username: ashsmash
Post Number: 1
Registered: 1-2007
Posted From: 24.61.13.90
| | Posted on Saturday, January 06, 2007 - 3:13 am: | 
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There is really noone I know who can help me on this subject. Almost everyone I have ever mentioned it to gave me a typical " oh you'll be ok hun" type deal. I want to know if anyone on here can relate to any of what I am about to share , and tell me how to cope.
I am 19 years old. I was adopted when I was 8 years old after going through 8 years of foster care because my birthparents found their way into every abuse problem you can think of. I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me. I made it my goal to never drink/smoke/do drugs/be abused/etc..after seeing the effects it has. I wanted to be a good role model for him, and prove to myself my life does not have to be like that.
When I turned 18 last summer I decided that all of my unanswered question needed some closure. I contacted my birthfamily and got back in touch.
My first 8 years of memories I have of my childhood doesnt come close to what I was going to hear from them. Everything you can think of, alcholholics, abuse,attempted murders, incest, rape, drugs, the list goes on. It absoloutly blew my mind to hear. I am not naive, but I was not aware that such disfunction could be in the lives of 2 people.
I truly thought (and they said) that my coming back in their lives would heal some wounds. Give them a reason to put down the bottle.
It does not. They act the exact same way around me now as they did during my childhood. Its hardest when they cry after and tell me how much they love me and how much they want to change. I have a successful career ahead of me, an amazing boyfriend,great friends, goals ambitions, ...but it is the most lonely feeling in the world to think your mom and dad just had sex one night, you came into the world, and thats it.
My question to anyone out there who has dealt with people in their lives like this, OR people who have addictions and can explain to me what it is really like.....how can i keep them in my lives, but not go insane from what I have to deal with.
thank you very much! |
cybermom
Advanced Member
Username: cybermom
Post Number: 642
Registered: 12-2004
Posted From: 67.186.102.112
| | Posted on Sunday, January 07, 2007 - 11:17 pm: |
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My best friend found her birth mother about 10 yrs ago. She has met her half-sisters. At first she did think things would go well and that they'd have a close relationship. But things don't always work out like that.
They have very different interests, and their lives went in different directions. She still keeps in touch with them, but not as if she grew up in that family.
I have addicted people in my own family and have learned the hard way that those are THEIR issues; I can't fix them because they are the ones who have to want to change. I love them and stay as close as I can without taking on all of their problems. I'd do the same if I were you.
You can't fix them and you shouldn't try; their relationships are toxic to each other and to you and they'll only drag you down into their garbage because they don't know any other way of living. You can't take on their responsibilities; you have your own to deal with. You are NOT responsible for them. And their problems are not your fault - THEY are the ones who chose to live as they do and do what they do.
You haven't said if you have any belief in God or any religious upbringing. I know my faith in God has been the one Rock and consistent force in my life when the people and circumstances around me were all falling apart. He has been the only One who hasn't let me down, hurt me or disappointed me.
I hope this helps you. |
fullofquestions
Intermediate Member
Username: fullofquestions
Post Number: 109
Registered: 1-2007
Posted From: 70.57.32.25
| | Posted on Thursday, January 11, 2007 - 12:02 am: |
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Don't try and go through this alone. Go with Jesus. |
funnygeorge
New member
Username: funnygeorge
Post Number: 14
Registered: 1-2007
Posted From: 12.12.8.254
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 10:46 pm: |
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Alright!!!! fullofquestions
you have the answer my friend
(Message edited by funnygeorge on January 16, 2007) |
truth_seeker
Intermediate Member
Username: truth_seeker
Post Number: 390
Registered: 1-2006
Posted From: 74.140.182.9
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - 11:38 am: |
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ashsmash,
I can relate, and I have received advice and encouragent before like that from cybermom, which helps, but they are our problems, because we love them. We want to help them, how could we not?
But, when I can't, I feel inadequate in some deep unresolved way in which I am just like them in my brokeness, just maybe not to the same extreme. You want to know what it is really like? Torture!
Now, you have the choice: You can keep them in your life and quite possibly go insane or at least have your heart sickened from hopes that may very well disappoint you, or you can give up on them and shut them out, taking away the only glimmer of hope they may ever have of ever being able to really love you and respect themselves, as well as other people.
So, how do you love someone like that?
I don't know, but maybe we could figure it out together. |
truth_seeker
Intermediate Member
Username: truth_seeker
Post Number: 392
Registered: 1-2006
Posted From: 74.140.182.9
| | Posted on Thursday, January 18, 2007 - 1:40 am: |
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"Its hardest when they cry after and tell me how much they love me and how much they want to change."
I think that is a really good sign if they cry.
Isn't it so sad to see them drunk? I can't stand to see anyone drunk, it makes me cry...I'm very sorry. Never give up hope, and faith, and most of all love. |
ashsmash
New member
Username: ashsmash
Post Number: 2
Registered: 1-2007
Posted From: 24.61.13.90
| | Posted on Thursday, January 25, 2007 - 2:14 am: |
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thank you very much to everyone who has responded. it helped alot.
just to give you an update though....
about 2 weeks ago i was completely elated when i realized that i did not need to worry about my dads problems. Yes i know that a million people have told me its not " my problem to worry about" but something just clicked in my head one night. He came home very drunk one night. It was right after we had had a long emotional talk about how his drinking effects me. After he himself cried for hours, he went out and drank again. I threw my hands in the air. There is nothing I can do.
Today however i noticed something that i had not before. I am being verbally abused. I always thought of it as parent/child fighting. Its not. It's not normal. There are only so many times you can hear someone call you ugly/stupid/retarted before you start to second guess who you thought you were. I realized how much it has been bringing me down. Even though i am full aware that I am anot a stupid girl, there is just something diffent about hearing your own father say that to you.
I think he think i'm my mom sometimes. He treats me now like he treated her when I was a child. Its a never ending cycle.
well let me rephrase it WAS a neverending cycle. I will be the one to change that in my own life.
keep smiling everyone ! |
truth_seeker
Intermediate Member
Username: truth_seeker
Post Number: 394
Registered: 1-2006
Posted From: 74.140.182.9
| | Posted on Friday, January 26, 2007 - 12:41 am: |
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"After he himself cried for hours, he went out and drank again. I threw my hands in the air. There is nothing I can do."
Ashmash,
Do you believe in prayer?
Sometimes it isn't safe or good for our well being to be around those people who abuse alcohol and, or, us.
When your father calls you stupid, could he really be saying, I don't like what you think about me right now, so I am going to discredit your opinions in order to justify my behavior? Maybe deep down he really knows his conduct is wrong, and he actually thinks he is so stupid for carrying on the way he does.
When someone is being ugly, the last thing they want to do is look in the mirror. When your father sees you, he must see how he has caused so much pain and hardship in his own life as well as in the life of his own child. Maybe his father even treated him the way he treats you?
You have a lot of good reasons to hate him...but, maybe you could forgive him instead and pray for him, but stay away from him when he is drinking. (I hope he isn't driving like that, then you may have a responsibility to intervene by getting the law involved). But, perhaps if you spend time together when he is sober, he will eventually find his relationship with you, and thus even his own life, as something worth restoring.
I hope so! |
fullofquestions
Intermediate Member
Username: fullofquestions
Post Number: 183
Registered: 1-2007
Posted From: 70.57.32.25
| | Posted on Saturday, January 27, 2007 - 12:40 am: |
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The day will come, when you will be free from all this. Tell yourself, "I will never be this way to my children". You and you alone can break this cycle. Ask yourself, Is he happy? What is he running from when he runs to the bottle? Put up your shields. Read the 14th chapter of Saint John. You will learn about peace. Peace you will not find from any person. |
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