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gglow999
New member
Username: gglow999
Post Number: 23
Registered: 5-2006
Posted From: 67.167.252.251
| | Posted on Sunday, July 23, 2006 - 8:45 am: | 
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I am a very middle aged woman & I was adopted as a baby by a mother & FATHER I lived with until I moved out & was married. Now my mother is 80 yrs. old & she still treats me as if I were 12 yrs old. Our relationship is very poor. I lived out of state for many years, so we only had 2-3x/yr phone contact & perhaps 1x yr visit for a day or 2. Now that we live only 7 miles from each other, she want's to be in my life24/7. I feel like a bad daughter because, I know she is lonely, however, she actually has more friends & goes out more than me. I wan't a private life with my husband & don't wan't to exclude her, but the more she pushes, the more I wan't to pull away. She want's to come over constantly without notice & I feel like she gives me the trird degree on every aspect of my life, including very personal matters. I wan't to keep a good relationship with my mother & keep respect for her, I jst want respect & some privacy as well. I have literally told her all of this face to face & she just say's, I am your mother & should be able to come over anytime & ask you anything I want, etc... She is also leaving me her home in her will, so she constantly throws that at me too - We'll you think you would be grateful, I am leaving you a home, I should be able to come by your home anytime, etc... I am just lost, I have prayed on this & nothing seems to help. There is alot more, but I would be typing forever. Last thing, she also tells all her neighbors, people I know, every personal aspect of my life & thinks nothing of it. She makes comments to my husband & friends as well such as - I was ill for about a week & she tells everyone, well I hope she's not pregnant & calls & asks my husband if he uses protection. This is so very embarassing, I an in mid 40's & husband in mid 50's. This is just one example of the constant intrusion (we'll, I feel it's an intrusion), into my/our lives. Anyone out there have any suggestions on how to deaql with a problem like this? I truly love my mother & don't want to lose relationship, just wan't to be treated with respect as an adult. Thanks for listening, I know this was quite a long post, but needed to get this off my chest & look for help. |
nina_s
Intermediate Member
Username: nina_s
Post Number: 131
Registered: 4-2005
Posted From: 209.216.180.242
| | Posted on Saturday, July 29, 2006 - 5:40 pm: |
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dear gglow999,
if mom won't go to a counselor w/ you, you go. tell mom that it is thoughtful of her/them to leave the house to you in the will---but you need your privacy! tell her if she continues w/ her disrespect, you will have to limit or cut off contact w/ her!
tell her that she needs to observe personal boundaries. read about boundaries and then give her the book to read.
another alternative---though i cant see doing this---do the exact things to her: show up at inconvenient times and stay for hours; ask personal questions and demand answers; tell her you are going to tell the world her business---no, that would just lower yourself to her level.
tell her you don't want the house!
use an answer machine and screen your calls. fence/gate in your front so she can't get to the front door to ring the bell. if she shows up, grab your purse and say ypu have plans; leave for a drive and come back home in 15 minutes.
pray a lot!!!
nina |
gglow999
New member
Username: gglow999
Post Number: 25
Registered: 5-2006
Posted From: 67.167.252.251
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 01, 2006 - 1:04 am: |
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Have recommended counsel, she won't go, She say's she will cut me out of life & will if I don't go along with her wishes. She could care less & would actually love it if I stopped by every day 10x day & stayed all day. I screen calls & she get's mad, say's your ignoring me on purpose, you don't love me. I do pray a lot, thanks. Her MD finally got her go go on Zoloft, but doesn't seem to help. You'd have to experience her to believe it. I have given her tapes, JMM religious about controlling ohers lives, being content in your own, etc... doesn't seem to sink in. Feel hopeless. Say a prayer for me, prayer does help. God bless & thanks Nina (was my grandma's name). |
nina_s
Intermediate Member
Username: nina_s
Post Number: 133
Registered: 4-2005
Posted From: 209.216.183.27
| | Posted on Monday, August 07, 2006 - 12:15 am: |
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Sorry, gglow999,
I was out of town on vacation!
I have prayed for you, and will remember you in my prayers. What if YOU controlled the contact i.e. invite her to events that have many people: a community concert or play; a crafts group or ladies' luncheon; a movie; bowling---
the idea is to have a bunch of people around, have an activity that maybe limits talk.
Well, then every time she brings up something, change the subject to the activity. Make sure the activity is for a set period of time, that YOU pick her up or meet her there---that way you can go home without her! If she suggests that she drop by, politely but firmly state that it's an inconvenient time but you enjoyed your time together and will call her soon.
I'm thinking when you are assertive and in control, then it might be better. What do you think?
Nina |
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