| Author | Message | ||
     nabashalam Senior Member Username: nabashalam Post Number: 1691 Registered: 1-2006 Posted From: 75.128.244.102 |
'Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me)' by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson Why taking the blame is so hard to Sorry, Bogie, but you were wrong in "Casablanca" when you told Ingrid Bergman she would regret "maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life," if she stayed with you in Morocco instead of leaving with her Nazi-fighting husband. Quite the contrary: She would have found reasons to justify making that choice and not the other. And as Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson explain in their new book, subtitled "Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions and Hurtful Acts," either decision would have suited her in the long run. We all struggle mightily to prove to ourselves and others that whatever we do is the right thing to have done, even -- or most especially -- when it is not. This team of social psychologists tackles "the inner workings of self-justification," the mental gymnastics that allow us to bemoan the mote in our brother's eye while remaining blissfully unaware of the beam in our own. Their prose is lively, their research is admirable, and their examples of our arrogant follies are entertaining and instructive. Two concepts are central to their study: Cognitive dissonance: "The hard-wired psychological mechanism that creates self-justification and protects our certainties, self-esteem and tribal affiliations." Pyramid of choice: When we first deal with a mistake, we are at the top of the pyramid. As we create ever more elaborate fictions that absolve us and restore our sense of self-worth and thereby remove the dissonance, we descend step by step to the base. The authors follow the trail of self-justification through the areas of family, memory, therapy, law, prejudice and conflict, but some of the juiciest examples come from politics. Think most recently of U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, echoing Ronald Reagan when he used the very words of this book's title -- "mistakes were made." (Politicians are especially fond of the passive voice.) What's going on is not lying, exactly, except insofar as it is lying to oneself. As Aldous Huxley said, "There is probably no such thing as a conscious hypocrite." Newt Gingrich surely did not say to himself, "Here I am, condemning Bill Clinton for a sexual affair while I am doing exactly the same thing." We begin to believe the lies to ourselves. Lyndon Johnson was a master at it. His press secretary, George Reedy, said he had a fantastic capacity to will "what was in his mind to become reality." This is akin to "naive realism," the conviction that we perceive objects and events "as they really are." If other people don't perceive them the same way, they must be biased. The authors describe a whole toolbox of mental instruments with which we dig the hole deeper and deeper, among them: Ethnocentricism: us against them, or us against those not us. Confirmation bias: finding ways to distort or dismiss evidence that unconfirms our stance. Internalizing beliefs: assuring ourselves that we have always felt a certain way, even when we make 180-degree turns. Source confusion: not being able to distinguish what really happened from subsequent information that crept in from elsewhere (particularly characteristic of false memories, a concept they deplore). Getting what you want by revising what you had: "mis-remembering, for instance, that your childhood was awful, thus distorting how far you have come, to feel better about yourself now."(cont.) | ||
| nabashalam Senior Member Username: nabashalam Post Number: 1692 Registered: 1-2006 Posted From: 75.128.244.102 |
The authors conclude that we don't change because we aren't aware that we need to, and we are, like many other cultures, mistake-phobic. We see the admission of a mistake not as a sign that something needs to be fixed -- even though such an admission often elicits the plaudits of others -- but that we are weak. We need more "light," they say, more self-awareness; we need "trusted naysayers" in our lives. Actually, though they don't say as much, it seems as simple as what Robert Burns wrote more than 200 years ago (freely rendered here): "Oh would some Power the giftie give us To see ourselves as others see us! It would from many a blunder free us." But then, that never has been as simple as it seems. http://www.amazon.com/Mistakes-Were-Made-But-Not/dp/0151010986 | ||
| kumakumali Junior Member Username: kumakumali Post Number: 34 Registered: 11-2005 Posted From: 69.4.112.98 |
Thank you Nabashalam, for the book referral. When I first left the TT, I came across an affirmation-"I am willing to grow up and take responsibility for my life." At first, I was really angry, feeling that I had too much responsibility. I had this victim mentality that things happened to me, not that I made choices and often I looked to God, like I had surrendered control of my life to him and this is what he did with it. But that affirmation has always stuck with me and its meaning in my life has unfolded slowly over the years and it is something I talk to my kids about all the time-conscious living, conscious choices and the consequences of those choices, if they are something that will be bearable for the rest of your life. I think part of accepting responsibility for our lives is learning to forgive both ourselves for making choices with unpleasant consequences and others for being less than perfect. Learning to forgive can take a life-time. Throughout this entire ordeal with JT, I have often asked and been asked why MW would fabricate accusations against JT and I have often tried to explain it in these terms. I remember being a very rebellious teen myself and pulling away from the path my family wanted me to take. And I think of the guilt that I felt and the stories I fabricated to appease them. At one point, after my mom found birth control pills in my drawer, I told her during a counseling session that when I was 15, I was raped at a party when I was passed out. Although bits of it were true, I was at a party and I was very drunk, I knew what I was doing. I said after that, I didn't really care about anything, I had already lost my virginity so I didn't care who I slept with. Lying about it somehow made it okay. I was no longer to blame for my promiscuity. Instead I was a victim and therefore relieve of taking responsibility for my choices and their consequences. I have also watch my own teenagers, flail about and cry and tell desparate lies no matter how accepting and calm I am...when they have been caught in a lie or made a mistake--even when I say-So you made a mistake, so what, fix it. It's like they become more desperate for me to believe their story, even if it is not logical. Self-acceptance is sometimes the hardest. I tend to think of myself as a fairly supportive and open parent and I think I communicate well with my kids and they still go thru this process. I can't imagine the guilt and fear that the children raised in the TT have if they grow up and decide to leave. I can only conclude that psychologically, they are very confused--tormented as the TT would say. Perhaps by fabricating this story, MW can live with his choice to leave the TT. He can blame it on someone and so can his parents. MW initally accused JT of this years before it was brought to trial...right when he was leaving the community. In fact, JT was involved in a meeting with MW and several elders in which JT was told to do anything that would help restore MW to the group. No charges were pressed however, until years later. If the group pressured MW into filing charges based on the custody battle, how could he fess up to the truth? I have known JT for more than sixteen years and I have never seen anything to indicate that he would ever take advantage of a child--never. I just have a hard time believing it. This whole thing is just killing him. I just pray that everyone can find some peace and comfort in this mess. |
