| Author | Message | ||
     tinkerbell84 New member Username: tinkerbell84 Post Number: 7 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 88.134.236.100 |
I've had a terrible time remembering some things and must have buried my memories so deep that I simply can’t put everything back together again. I remember, for example, a certain student - who according to the official alumni e-mail directory attended the same years that I did. However I can’t find him in my (or his graduating year’s) yearbook. There is no picture of him and he is simply not there although I remember him very clearly. If something weird happened and he was kicked out for some reason – why wasn’t I aware of this and why did I just notice this after going through my yearbook over 20 years later? This isn’t the only thing. I remember 2 people disappearing shortly before my graduation and rumours flying around everywhere. I don't remember who they were but at that time I remember I never found out why they were expelled. I think it was the reason our graduating class never had a class trip but I certainly can't confirm this. The more I read on this board, especially from people I knew (or thought I knew), the more I realize how much I missed. How could this happen? Were we really so involved in out own survival that we weren’t even aware of what was happening to our schoolmates? Why have I forgotten so much? (Message edited by tinkerbell84 on September 28, 2007) | ||
| tiny New member Username: tiny Post Number: 16 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 70.50.215.250 |
I can only speak from my own personal experience. "Were we really so involved in ou(r) own survival that we weren’t even aware of what was happening to our schoolmates? Why have I forgotten so much?" Survival to me meant not getting close enough to anyone that they would know how I felt about things, that way they could not expose me to the staff. I did know what was happening to my schoolmates, even the ones I didn't like, but I made a point not to care enough to do or say anything. Why have I forgotten so much? Because I spent over 20 years trying to forget. The memories were there, I just buried them with day to day responsibilities. I would engross myself in things so I couldn't remember, and to feel somewhat in control. This is how I tried to forget, and for the most part, succeeded. Now it is coming out like a flood, and some things are coming out like a trickle. It's weird, posting and reading about all this has me feeling just as scared now as I was then while in the school. I did not want anyone in the staff knowing how I felt about the school or them because I would have been hammered by them. I wait for someone to attack me now over things I have said here in this forum. It may be unfounded, but the fear is real none the less. | ||
| gcc_1981_grad Junior Member Username: gcc_1981_grad Post Number: 47 Registered: 8-2007 Posted From: 70.52.180.108 |
Tiny, I have read a few of your posts. Your experiences are very similar to my own. I attended the school over 20 years ago. I also have suppressed everything about the school in order to get by. For the last month or so - the feelings and experiences are "re-opening". Occasionally, I feel as though I am going to "lose-it". “Losing it” – worries me a lot – as I need to be strong and healthy in my life. For my own mental health I know that it is important to open up and talk about my experiences and my emotional quality around those experiences. I search for people that I can talk to. I know that this site has those people - but lately I have felt from a few people who post that this place is sometimes not an inviting place for me to open up. This worries me a lot as I originally came to this site and found, for the first time in decades, a forum that addressed some real issues I was faced with. Now, I feel I need to chart out into the confusing and typically disappointing realm of Ontario’s professional therapists. I hope that I am able to find a good therapist – but until then I will check this site for postings that explore and question the confusion that was caused by attended GCC. All this is to say that I am very thankful for your posts, and truly hope you are able to get some of the answers you are looking for. | ||
| kate_skinner New member Username: kate_skinner Post Number: 7 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 142.240.200.10 |
A SUGGESTION THAT MIGHT HELP: A counsellor and survivor of childhood abuse has been helping me deal with my feelings over the whole GCC thing. Like so many of you, My memory of my short time there is like swiss cheese. Here's what he suggested: Take some quiet time where you're comfortable and feel secure. Write down what ever you want about GCC. It can be actual events half-memories you can't quite grasp, or only the emotion you felt. This is a follow-your-gut excercise. After you finish writing, put it away for a week and ignore it. Pull it out in a week and read it. See how you feel about it. Write some more if you feel you should... Repeat as often as necessary if it seems to help. You can write about anything whether it happened to you or to another. There are a few guidlines for this: 1) YOU MUST WRITE IN THE THIRD PERSON, use he/she/it not me/I/we. Write like you're telling a story about someone else. 2) DO NOT CENSOR YOURSELF. This is for your eyes only. Swear, say things you'd never say to anyone. ( NO one's judging you now.) What ever you've got to say is valid you don't have to explain it to anyone. No one will think you're horrible for saying these things because no one's gonna know but you. Write as honestly as you are able, but definitely don't lie. If you'd like to write something that's really bothersome and you can't quite deal - leave it for another time. 3) LEAVE IT FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF DAYS. A week if you can. Try not to think too much about what you wrote. I know it sounds ridiculously simple; but for me it worked like a charm. I hope it helps other people. I found that it gave me the distance needed so that I could think about things without ripping my guts open every time I thought about it. (And I was thinking about it all the time - couldn't stop) I now feel that I have control over the situation in a way I didn't have before. You've got nothing to lose. Be brave and give it a go. | ||
| kate_skinner New member Username: kate_skinner Post Number: 8 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 142.240.200.10 |
A SUGGESTION THAT MIGHT HELP: A counsellor and survivor of childhood abuse has been helping me deal with my feelings over the whole GCC thing. Like so many of you, My memory of my short time there is like swiss cheese. Here's what he suggested: Take some quiet time where you're comfortable and feel secure. Write down what ever you want about GCC. It can be actual events half-memories you can't quite grasp, or only the emotion you felt. This is a follow-your-gut excercise. After you finish writing, put it away for a week and ignore it. Pull it out in a week and read it. See how you feel about it. Write some more if you feel you should... Repeat as often as necessary if it seems to help. You can write about anything whether it happened to you or to another. There are a few guidlines for this: 1) YOU MUST WRITE IN THE THIRD PERSON, use he/she/it not me/I/we. Write like you're telling a story about someone else. 2) DO NOT CENSOR YOURSELF. This is for your eyes only. Swear, say things you'd never say to anyone. ( NO one's judging you now.) What ever you've got to say is valid you don't have to explain it to anyone. No one will think you're horrible for saying these things because no one's gonna know but you. Write as honestly as you are able, but definitely don't lie. If you'd like to write something that's really bothersome and you can't quite deal - leave it for another time. 3) LEAVE IT FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF DAYS. A week if you can. Try not to think too much about what you wrote. I know it sounds ridiculously simple; but for me it worked like a charm. I hope it helps other people. I found that it gave me the distance needed so that I could think about things without ripping my guts open every time I thought about it. (And I was thinking about it all the time - couldn't stop) I now feel that I have control over the situation in a way I didn't have before. You've got nothing to lose. Be brave and give it a go. | ||
| tinkerbell84 New member Username: tinkerbell84 Post Number: 9 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 88.134.236.100 |
Hello Tiny - I think you are one of the persons I referred to above and if you are - I remember you very well and am glad to hear from you. I agree with your point, "you spent 20 years trying to forget". I have also and it has certainly overwhelmed me to re-live so much recently and mainly things that I really had forgotten (or buried). To be honest some memories have come back like a tidal wave while others are still so vague. I do vaguely remember a "light session" but I don't remember why or which persons were involved. I can't even remember the complete layout of the school even though I was there for 3 years. I really did forget - or at least tried to forget . I honestly don't know if this is good or bad but it does frighten me that after so many years certain experiences or memories have come to surface while others seem to remain in a big black hole. Do I want to persue this or keep everything buried? Again, if you are the person I think you are - I do remember that someone vanished a couple of months before my gradulation and that a whole bunch of crap happened after that. I remember I was distraught because it was someone I knew - but, darned, after 20 years I couldn't remember who - until I went through my yearbook! If this was you - - then I'm so sorry and would cetainly love to hear from you. Karen | ||
| tiny New member Username: tiny Post Number: 18 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 70.50.215.250 |
I really don't think there is any need for students to apologize, not to me anyway. As others have posted, there are just a few staff who were controlling and abusive. I know some students would rat you out in a second if it meant saving their own hide, but I don't blame them. I hope my leaving on April 1st, 1983 didn't cause any problems for any other students, it was the farthest thing from my mind. And looking back, it was really dumb of me. I should have stuck out the last couple of months. I really don't know what I was thinking, or if I was thinking at all. I'll post my email again if you would like to contact me, there were a couple of Karens there I remember, so unless I know your last name I would be guessing. homer_496@hotmail.com | ||
| quietgrl Junior Member Username: quietgrl Post Number: 38 Registered: 8-2007 Posted From: 67.193.90.64 |
Being at the school at the closing weekend... I saw it all roll out just like it did in the past... happy people chatting to one another...with their painted on smiles... other people hugging and saying how jesus loves them... and over in the corner of the room ... all by themselves.. a person falling apart... alone in their suffering... alone in a crowd of "happy" people... It was a hard dynamic to navigate... Anyone else there on Saturday past.. notice the same thing? ie. People suffered in splendid isolation... right in front of our eyes... | ||
| late_lights New member Username: late_lights Post Number: 21 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 74.101.55.104 |
I guess it's really all about perception. I for one had nothing but positive feelings and observations last weekend. While I could understand if people who felt their experiences at GCC were traumatic had a hard time returning after so many years, I find it hard to believe they would have suffered alone in the corner. Partly because there was a cost to attend the event, and I don't think people would have paid to inflict that kind of self-abuse on themselves, and partly because of the sense of community both on here and the Facebook group. | ||
| kmiller1610 New member Username: kmiller1610 Post Number: 12 Registered: 10-2007 Posted From: 198.203.193.250 |
This may sound odd, but I think the thing that helped me the most was certain music. I found an artist that would sing about her pain and I would listen in the car and just emote a lot. For some reason this helped me focus my thoughts so I could dissect the issues. Probably would not work for most people. | ||
| survivor1101 New member Username: survivor1101 Post Number: 19 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 70.50.230.122 |
I, though not suffering alone, was one of those who went, and broke down a few times. It was intense. Late_lights, I feel really sorry for you. You miss so much with such a closed mind and closed eyes. I will pray for you. | ||
| late_lights Junior Member Username: late_lights Post Number: 36 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 192.197.178.2 |
Thank you for offering to pray for me, but please don't even think of feeling sorry for me because my experiences happen to be different then yours. While it's unfortunate that your experiences at the closing weekend weren't positive, mine were, and I'd just hope that you would be able to accept that. | ||
| tmw Member Username: tmw Post Number: 73 Registered: 8-2007 Posted From: 70.48.53.21 |
I can certainly accept that your experience was a positive one late_lights. And I am happy that it went so well for you. I had a mixed review of my weekend on the 29th. My reasons for going were simple enough. I wanted to see faces I had seen in a long time, I felt the need to see the place one last time, and I wanted my husband to see GCC as well. I was afraid if I didn't go, I would reget it. If that is what is considered to be self-inflection or self abuse...well, so be it. While it was great catching up with friends, I was the casualty of an unfortunate incident involving other alumni, I did witness a few people breaking down. To answer you late_lights, yes there were people suffering alone in a corner. He was standing just outside the ramp up to the infirmary, and was indeed alone and suffering. | ||
| sandrabrownearly Member Username: sandrabrownearly Post Number: 52 Registered: 8-2007 Posted From: 162.83.61.245 |
I happened upon Survivor at one point when she broke down...went up, hugged her and reminded her that she's not alone...I considered it a positive experience! I didn't see anyone standing outside the infirmary alone and suffering...I hope he didn't suffer alone too long before someone came along and gave him a shoulder to lean on. Because I didn't have the troubling experiences at GCC that some did, I went to the closing with the thought that someone might need a shoulder and that's about all I can offer. Survivor...you are just that! No matter what you went through in the past, the core of you was not changed...you are strong and with every day you will be stronger! Believe in yourself and if you need a shoulder, you know where to find it... | ||
| late_lights Junior Member Username: late_lights Post Number: 38 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 192.197.178.2 |
Perhaps I should clarify. I took quietgirls post to be more metaphoric then literaly happening which is why I commented. Now that I realize this is a literal discussion about people actually suffering alone in a corner... I'm glad to tmw brought along a support system, and I'm sorry that who ever was suffering alone outside the infirmary for whatever reason didn't have that option. But I've also seen the support lended to each other both on here and the Facebook page, so I have to think (hope, imagine) that when he was discovered, he was extended that support. | ||
| tmw Member Username: tmw Post Number: 75 Registered: 8-2007 Posted From: 67.70.71.131 |
quietgrl and I were together at the event with our spouses. quietgrl discovered this former alumni and offered did him support. He was invited to stick with us for the remainer of the day, which he did. | ||
| sandrabrownearly Member Username: sandrabrownearly Post Number: 55 Registered: 8-2007 Posted From: 162.83.61.245 |
Thank you for that follow up info tmw! I assumed someone reached out to him...this group isn't the type to ignore someone in pain. |
